Proud Mode
by mentos046
Summary: Because all comedy occurs at someone, or something's expense. I was going to title this "YOLOSWAG Hearts: 420/69 Days, Birth By Do You Even Lift, Re:Come At Me, Bro", but it wouldn't fit in the title bar.
1. Chapter 1

**Have you ever gone to any particular category on this site, and used the filter function to isolate everything under the Humour/Parody genres? I recently decided to try that for Kingdom Hearts, and found that, of over 73,000 stories for the franchise, fewer than 1,000 matched that combination. I concluded that there were two possible reasons for this, then immediately lost my train of thought and forgot the first one.**

 **The second conclusion I reached, is that the Kingdom Hearts fanbase takes the franchise** _ **very**_ **seriously. If that is the case, then posting this is probably a truly awful idea, and will result in me getting figuratively eaten alive, so it will, at least, make for an interesting experiment.  
**

 **Despite what the title implies, this won't be _entirely_ about the universe trying its best to kill Sora.**

 **I don't own Kingdom Hearts.**

 **Rated T for censored language, and that "Square Softcore Bondage" joke that you can probably see from here.**

* * *

Dark clouds gather against a black background, and in the middle of them, a logo appears:

 **Disney Interactive**

Just in case you forgot who made this.

It disappears shortly after, then another takes its place:

 **Square Softcore Bondage**

ALL the belts and zippers.

That disappears too, and is replaced by:

 **KINGDOM HEARTS**

Because apparently, the beta testers forgot what they were playing 15 seconds in.

The screen zooms into middle, and the words and clouds fade to black.

* * *

 **Some Sort of Infinite Abyss, Possibly the Internet**

Black fades into a closeup of someone's eye. As it begins zooming out, we see brown hair. …That's it? Really? Just brown? No abnormal hair color? No color gradients? No neon streaks? Are we sure that he's the protagonist? Anyway, this is Sora, because I'm not going to spend the entire time calling him "brown-haired kid".

His eyes drift open, then closed again, and he's lying on his back, floating. Text appears on screen, presumably transcribing his thoughts,

" _Where am I,_ " he thinks,

" _Maybe eating the mushrooms inside that cave wasn't such a good idea,_ "

Some odd clicking and swishing begins starting up in the background, and now he's floating in what is probably water, but you can never be too sure. He starts to fall headfirst, and veers to the side, then back to the middle. He's so intoxicated that he can't even fall in a straight line.

Just before he runs headfirst into the camera, he opens his eyes, and suddenly he's on a beach.

 _"Whoa. How did I get here?"_ Sora thinks to himself.

From where he stands, he looks out to the water to see a white-haired teenager standing knee-deep in said water, looking out at the horizon. He probably cast Meteor earlier, and now he's waiting for it to start. He wouldn't be the first white-haired person to do that.

Right before Sora steps into the water, it all pulls away. After the water gets about three feet away from him, a disembodied voice begins singing.

Two minutes in, and a song starts; this is definitely a Disney production.

The water gathers into a tidal wave that approaches, heedless of the white-haired kid standing in the way, and white-hair doesn't seem to care about the incoming danger.

 _"Why aren't you running away, Riku? There's a giant tidal wave coming directly toward you!"_ Sora thought.

The now named Riku tilts his head slightly toward Sora, then turns around, placing his back to the incoming wave.

 _You're giving mead,_

 _Too many thinks, lately,_

With his back to the oncoming wave, Riku stretches his hand out to Sora, who runs toward him.

 _"Wait?! Why am I running toward him? I don't want to do this! That thing is taller than both of us put together!"_ Sora thought, frantically, but apparently he had no control over his body right then.

 _You're all I need,_

 _You smiled at meat,_

 _NSAID*,_

The wave crashes down, and sweeps Sora back, preventing him from reaching, Riku, who is floating leisurely, apparently not worried about drowning. Riku continues holding his hand outstretched.

 _Don't let Big Mona love you,_

 _But does that mean I have to beat,_

 _Your father?_

Sora begins swimming toward Riku, but the water begins pushing him back again.

 _"How is this possible?"_ Sora asked himself, _"The water just used all of its momentum on that tidal wave. None of this makes any sense!"_

The momentum that the water generated from nowhere finally overtakes Sora, and he loses his balance. The water pulls him away from Riku, and backward through itself until he breaks through the surface. Also, it's now evening, somehow.

 _When we are older you'll under Stan,_

 _What I'm in, when I said "nose",_

 _I doled thing life is quite that symbol,_

On the shore, which is farther away from him than it was when he went under, despite the water pushing him toward the shore, even in defiance of physics, is another brown-haired person, this one female. She's calling to him, but he can't hear over the music in the background,

 _"_ I can't hear you, Kairi," Sora says, "the music is too loud." And now she's introduced, as well.

He begins walking toward her, and when he arrives she laughs at something we couldn't hear because of the music.

 _When you wok a whey,_

 _You don't hear meat say,_

 _Please, old baby,_

 _Don't go,_

 _Symbol and cleat is the way that you're making me feel, denied,_

 _It's hard to let Ed go,_

Then she stops laughing, and looks up, with Sora following suit. In the sky, they see bluish things, presumably rocks, falling diagonally toward the ground. Called it!

Amidst the meteors falling diagonally, is a person falling vertically, and periodically getting pelted by meteors. Don't fall from the sky in a meteor shower, kids; it's not safe.

 _Whole meat, whatever lies beyond this mourning,_

 _Is a little late, her old,_

 _Regardless of warnings, the few jerk doesn't scare me at all,_

 _Nothing's like bee fort,_

Sora looks closer at the falling person, and realises that it's him. Look at the ground Sora, now look at the sky Sora, now back at the ground Sora, now back at the sky Sora. Suddenly ground Sora is in the sky and falling. Also he's still getting pelted by meteors.

 _"_ What did I do to deserve this?! _"_ he asks, but no one can hear his suffering over the music.

He slips underneath the ground that the girl is standing on, and she can see him through it, which is odd, considering that not five seconds go, it was sand.

 _Hold meat, whatever lies beyond this more knee,_

 _Is a little later oh,_

 _Regardless of warnings, the few germ does it scare me a doll?_

 _Nothing's like bee fork_

* * *

 **Still the Same Place, Maybe?**

Sora continues falling downward, until he nears a cylindrical platform. The platform is just floating, suspended somehow, in the air…or water, whatever he's supposed to be floating in. Its surface is dark, until suddenly a series of explosions occurs in the distance, and the surface of the platform begins rising up, breaking apart, and flying away. Turns out there were pigeons all over the surface of the platform. They fly in synchronicity toward Sora, murder in their beady little eyes at being disturbed.

 _"_ Wait, no, please, it wasn't me! _"_ Sora yells, but the pigeons don't care. Someone has to pay for disturbing their slumber.

His already meteor-battered body is subjected to full wrath of the devil birds, then they fly off, looking for someone else wholly undeserving of their unbridled fury. Those are the best kinds of victims, you see.

Gentle fall now gone, Sora sped headfirst toward the surface of the platform, now revealed to be what appears to be stained glass, adorned with a picture of a woman eating an apple. As he is about to land on the platform a loud, orange-haired girl comes careening in out of nowhere, and body checks him away from it. She continues flying off in another direction, propelled by periodic explosions, and can be heard speaking,

"Oops. I hope he wasn't too important."

Sora missed the platform, and continued falling until he looped back around to the top of wherever he is. This time he landed headfirst on the platform.

He got up, groaning, and looked around at the black… wait, where did all the blue go? As he wondered where he was, voices spoke, their words appearing in text because the entire budget went on that FMV, and no one could hire a voice actor for the mysterious voice. Since it's all text though, we can assume that there are multiple voices, since that's what most of the jokes were written for, and make them fight with each other.

" _So much to do,"_ one voice whispered.

" _So little time,"_ another said, softly.

" _Take your time,"_ whispered a third, the groaning of old wood can be heard, as though someone were rising from sitting on a piece of furniture, followed by the sound of footsteps on a hardwood floor.

" _Don't be afraid,"_ a fourth.

" _Hoagies,"_ whispered a fifth. Wait, what?

" _That's just Jennifer's kid. She doesn't trust the daycare to keep him,"_ one of the voices whispered

Oh. The voices resumed their whispered guidance.

" _The door is still shut."_

" _Now, step forward. Can you-?"_

" _Hoagies."_

" _Jennifer! Come find your son something to do, so we can guide the Keyblade's chosen,"_ one of the voices whisper-yelled. They conversed among themselves for a few minutes, then one spoke up, having apparently decided that the situation was no longer suited for mysterious whispers,

" _Here, take this,"_ the voice told what is assumed to be the kid. There is a rustling of paper. When no further hoagie comments come, Sora assumes that the matter is dealt with. One of the voices clears their disembodied throat, and resumes speaking,

" _Now, step forward. Can you do it?"_

Sora complies, walking to the middle of the platform then, from various positions on the outside of the platform, three pedestals rise. An item appears atop each one, all sharing a similar motif. Once all three platforms are present, and each has an item on them, the voices speak again,

" _Power sleeps within you. If you give it form, it will give you hoagies. That's…not right. What happened to the… Jerry, did you give him the script?"_

" _Hoagies."_

" _What the h**l! We've been rehearsing this for six days. If something was going to go wrong, why couldn't it go wrong on one of those days?"_ Two sets of footsteps, one quiet, as if coming from a child, and another, louder, can be heard, along with rustling of paper, and Sora assumes that someone is chasing the kid with the script. The steps continue, varying in pace and loudness, until suddenly,

 _"OW!"_ says one of the voices, followed by a *Thud* of someone falling over

 _"What happened?"_ asked another voice.

 _"Ha! You got outrun by a kid."_

 _"Shut up, Jerry. Someone spilled Legos...all over the floor."_

 _"Oh. Kids will be kids, I guess."_

 _"Jen didn't buy him any Legos."  
_

 _"The whose were they? ...Mike?"_

 _"..."_

The small footsteps continue for some time, then a click can be heard, like someone uncapping something.

" _Here, take this, and give me that script,"_ one of the voices says. Paper can be heard rustling once more, followed by small footsteps that slowly get quieter,

" _There. That should keep him busy,"_ the voice continues, _"Now, back to where we left off."_

" _Power sleeps within you. If you give it form, it will give you, er...strength, that's what it was. Choose well."_

He walked to the first platform and, upon grabbing the sword, the voices spoke again,

" _The power of the warrior."_ said the same voice that took the script,

" _Invincible courage."_ said a different one,

" _A hoagie of terrible destruction…How far did he get before you took the script away, Jerry?"_ said the third,

" _I don't know. I didn't look at it before you grabbed it from me."_

" _Guys, can we just focus? Sora's still waiting for us,"_ interjected the second voice,

" _Yeah, fine,"_ the first voice said, _"Is this the form you choose?"_

 _"Wait, hold on. He didn't choose anything yet."_

The pedestals all simultaneously fall into the surface of the platform, then the platform begins breaking into glass shards that fall down into the void. Sora runs to the middle of the platform, in an attempt to escape the inevitable fall, but it is for nothing, and the ground falls away from his feet again, leaving him in free fall.

* * *

He falls through the black again, until another platform becomes visible beneath him, and he lands on his back on this one. Unfortunately, he also lands on the glass shards from the previous platform, so he lays there, whimpering, for a bit, until the voices speak up again,

" _You've gained the power to fight,"_ a voice said. As Sora was attempting to rise, a shield appeared in the air, and fell on his head, knocking him back into the broken glass. Today is not Sora's day.

Why did he get a shield? He never even got to that platform.

" _Did you want us to drop a sword on his head?"_

Fair enough.

Groaning some more, Sora eventually managed to get up again, shield in hand. At this time a black box appeared in front of him, telling him how to attack.

Of course, "the X Button" doesn't mean anything to Sora, so he just did what he could. After a few experimental swipes at the air, and only hitting his shin once, the voices resumed speaking

" _All right! You've got it."_

" _Use this power to protect yourself and others."_

More black boxes followed, with more information that Sora isn't expected to understand. They explained how there was a green gauge that showed his remaining HP, but he couldn't see anything of the sort around him.

He got quite excited though, when the boxes said that if the HP runs out, he would be taken to the "Continue" screen,

"You mean I can't die?" Sora asked.

 _"Well, you can't **stay** dead," _ one of the voices said.

The next box told him that there was a blue gauge showing his MP, but that magic was a mystery to him. It then proceeded to taunt him with all of the spells that he couldn't cast, because magic is still a mystery to him. This prompted the voices to get into an argument with the text boxes over who had the most authority.

As Sora waited patiently for the voices and text boxes to agree, a small, flat _thing_ crawled in from nowhere, and began moving toward him. It appeared to be inside the floor.

Since Sora was locked in place until the voices ran through their next lines, he was unable to even move, let alone defend himself. The creature pulled itself free of the floor, becoming three-dimensional, and began scratching at Sora, while the voices argued with the text boxes. Eventually, one of the voices noticed his pained cries, and pointed it out to the others, then they all scrambled to get to their lines.

" _There will be times you have to fight,"_ one of them said.

" _Keep your light burning strong,"_ another said. After those words were spoken, Sora found himself able to move again, and began attacking the creatures.

He ran toward one, and struck it repeatedly with the shield he had been given. After the third strike connected, it exploded into black mist.

Upon seeing one of their own destroyed, the creatures sank back into the ground and disappeared.

Unbeknownst to Sora, one of the creatures had moved to his back while he was distracted. The voices warned him of the impending attack.

…

…

I said, the voices warned him of the impending- too late.

The creature scratched Sora, then the ones who had disappeared returned, forcing Sora to resume combat against them.

In the midst of the fight, one of them produced a puddle of black _something_ by its feet, because apparently these heartless aren't house-trained. It's all over Sora's heart and/or mind, and I'm pretty sure that there's at least one other person's heart connected to Sora's right now. That's going to take a while to clean. The heartless, aware that it's a very bad boy, sank in to the puddle, and more puddles began appearing. At this point, it's probably best just to throw this one away, and get a replacement. You can do that, right?

Sora ran to the middle of the platform to get away from the spreading puddles, but that was for nothing too. Eventually he fell knee deep into it, and apparently, it's a lot deeper than it looks because he's still sinking. He's going to need a shower when this is over.

* * *

He opens his eyes to find that he is on yet another platform, flailing about randomly. Sora is not happy. Nothing makes sense in this messed up world, and it all seems to be out for his blood. He's endured numerous long falls, meteor batterings, pigeon attacks, getting stabbed in the back by broken glass, getting hit in the head with a shield, which knocked him _back_ into the broken glass, getting scratched up by beady-eyed proto-human monstrosities while voices in his head forced him to sit there and listen to them arguing with text boxes, and now he's got heartless goo _all over_ his favorite belts and zippers.

He gets up, and stomps to the middle of this platform to find a transparent door. The text boxes tell him to examine it, and he does, noting that he can't open it. Then he looks behind him and sees a small box,

Sora walks up to the box, and lightly taps it with his shield. When nothing happens, he tries a bit more firmly. Still, nothing happens, and Sora takes the shield in both hands, and begins aggressively beating the box with it.

*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*

*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*

*Thunk*

*Thunk* *Thunk*

*Thunk* *Thunk*

*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*...*Thunk*...*Thunk*...

" _Dude, what are you doing? It's not locked! Just open it."_ one of the voices says.

*Thunk*...*Thunk*...*Thunk*

Breathing heavily from his exertion, Sora reaches down to open the box, but puts his face too close, and the light that escapes from it blinds him and burns his eyes.

When his vision clears, he sees a crate. The text box tells him that he can push crates, and when he does that, it proceeds to tell him that he can destroy them. Sora attacks the crate with the same aggression as he did the box, destroying said crate, and picking up the item that dropped. It was a potion, which he used to cure the burning in his eyes from the blinding light. Then a barrel appears, along with a text box that Sora promptly ignores. In a violence-fueled rage, he destroys the barrel, as well.

The voices planned a few more tutorial sections, but Sora's sudden aggression scared them so much that they decided to just make the entire door appear. Upon noticing the completely solid door, Sora ran toward it, screaming, and began attacking it as well. His attacks just kept bouncing off, though, and eventually he settled down and opened it. Once again, a light blinded him, and once again, it burned his eyes. When he was able to open his eyes again, he was standing on a wooden structure, surrounded on all sides by three people.

" _Hold on. The door won't open just yet,"_ a voice said, _"First, tell me more about yourself."_

Sora walked up to the first person, and he spoke,

"What is your name?" the kid asked.

"Uh…Sora," he responded, then walked to the next person.

"What is your quest?"

"To…get out of here?" on to the third.

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"I don't-"

Too late, reference over.

" _Your adventure begins in the dead of night. And stays in the dead of night the entire time. There isn't a sun, the stars are behind clouds, and your light just died. Like you will. Several times. Painfully."_

"Wait, that's not how it's supposed to work," Sora said, "This is supposed to make leveling up easier at later-"

" _The day you will open the door is both far off and very near,"_ the voice says, as the screen fades into white, blinding Sora yet again.

There haven't been any hoagie incidents in a while.

" _Yeah, I gave the kid a crayon, and he's been drawing on Jen's walls for the past 15 minutes,"_

" _It was a permanent marker, you a*****e."_

" _I didn't know that when I gave it to him!"_

" _Sam told me that she saw you uncap it!"_

 _"Then why didn't she take it from him?"_

 _"Hey, I was on the floor, writhing in pain, from the Legos that Mike left out."_

The argument continues, eventually derailing to something about the color of some sort of dress. We're just going to move along to the next scene. They'll get here when they sort their differences out.

* * *

 **What do you mean those aren't the words to it?**

 **Like I said at the top, I'm not sure how the general population of the Internet is going to react to a parody of this franchise, so maybe I'll work on the rest of the tutorial later, if I'm not bludgeoned to death by model Keyblades within the next 24 hours.**


	2. I'm supposed to put funny stuff here

**I know that this one is relatively short, and may not be quite as funny. That's because it consists of the rest of the tutorial, and was supposed to go with the first chapter, but the first chapter threatened to be too long if I included this, and this one is a touch too short as a result. Ideally, I would have included the first day of Destiny Islands in this chapter, it's certainly short enough to fit it, but jumping straight into it looked somewhat disjointed, so it was moved to the next one.**

* * *

 **On the Next Platform**

Sora is walking around the edge of the platform, unaware that he has to proceed to the middle to continue. He's been here since the ending of the last chapter, so he's probably close to dead by now, but his suffering isn't over yet. Eventually in his boredom, and/or starvation-induced delirium, he stumbles to the middle of the platform. When he arrives in the middle, his muscles seize up. This tells Sora that there will probably be more voices soon. Or it could just be the dehydration. The voices are still pretty busy back there, watch.

* * *

 **Back at the Treehouse Thing**

" _It's black and blue! Like you're going to be if you don't shut up!"_

See? We had better get back to Sora, though. There might be something attacking him right now, and we don't want to miss that.

* * *

 **Back on the Platform with Sora**

The last of some text boxes are disappearing. You didn't get to see them because the author doesn't remember what they said. With the text boxes now gone, more of the small, black creatures appear from the ground, and Sora's shield once again appears in the air, and once again, falls on his head. He picks it up, and resumes combat against the creatures, bludgeoning them repeatedly with it until they all disappear.

Once the creatures are all gone, a light appears from some point up in the sky, and shines down onto the platform, creating a circle on the ground. Sora walks toward the circle and steps into it to find that all of his injuries are healed. Great! Now he's ready for more tests of fortitude. More text boxes appear saying something about saving, then the light pulls away from the circle and goes to the edge of the platform. As it reaches the edge it disappears and a series of small glass platforms begin appearing in that direction.

Sora approaches the platforms, reasonably wary since everything else thus far has tried to kill him. These glass rectangles, seemingly held in place by nothing, are far from the safest thing he's encountered in what is, by now, most certainly a nightmare. Seeing nowhere else to go Sora eventually relents and walks toward the platform. After tentatively placing a foot on it and determining that it isn't going to fall out from underneath him like so many other platforms in this place Sora steps onto the first one. He steps slowly, the trip seeming to take forever until he looks back and notices that the steps he had already walked on weren't there anymore. Upon seeing this, Sora speeds up a bit and begins looking back every so often. He could swear that the remaining steps behind him were steadily decreasing, and by the end of it he was in a blind sprint. He arrived at the middle of the next platform just as the last step disappeared.

" _The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes,"_ says one of the voices. Oh, they must be done fighting.

" _That's_ _not supposed to bend that way,"_ another voice says, pitifully.

Upon hearing the comment about the light Sora looked back at his shadow, projected by said light, and saw that it was quite long and moving independently of him. He immediately began moving away from the light, and by the time the shadow rose out of the ground, it was three inches tall. Sora was about to step on the small humanoid creature, but the light quickly moved to where he was, making it large again.

"That's not fair," Sora told the light, but the light isn't sentient and even if it was it wouldn't care.

The shadowy creature stood about eighteen feet tall, and didn't appear to have a heart. It had a heart-shaped hole in its chest, where the heart would be on a human. I bet this is one of those Nobodies.

It loomed over Sora, looking ominously impassive.

" _But don't be afraid,"_ the voices said. Evidently, they're not paying attention to what's going on.

" _And don't forget…"_ they said, but in a bid for irony, forgot what they were going to say.

In response to the creature's appearance, and because of the rule of three, the shield appeared above Sora, and fell on his head, yet again.

It bent low to the ground with a closed fist, and the fist began glowing. It sat there for an impractical amount of time, before Sora realized that he could attack it. As he ran toward the fist to hit it with the shield, though, the creature pulled the fist away, then promptly slammed it down right where Sora stood. The impact knocked Sora away, and when he looked to where the fist had hit, Sora noticed another pool of black from which more of the small, proto-human monstrosities began emerging.

In an attempt to stop the creature, Sora runs at it, and strikes the fist with his shield. The creature is apparently rather slow, since it still hasn't removed its fist from the ground, and it's around this time that Sora realizes that he can climb up the arm to attack the head. He does so, and after hitting it a few times, the creature rises up, forcing Sora back to the ground, and into the waiting claws of the small creatures that he forgot to dispatch.

The creature moved to drive its arm into the ground again, but this time instead of just punching the ground it stuck the arm all the way into said ground like it was searching for something lost in a couch. Maybe this thing is just looking for its keys or something? Regardless, it's head now more exposed than ever, Sora continues the assault on it until it rises again, then deals with the smaller creatures.

The fight goes on in this vein for some time, until suddenly, the shield disappears and the creature aims another punch at the ground, this time with both arms. Sora jumps back, narrowly avoiding it's fists, and loses his balance, falling over. The creature's arms, now sunk into the ground, begin producing more pools of the black stuff.

" _But don't be afraid,"_ says one of the voices, as a pool forms underneath Sora, and entraps him.

Are they even paying attention anymore?

" _You hold the mightiest weapon of all,"_ it continues, as he desperately struggles to get away.

Sora attempts to say something, but the black stuff is in his mouth as well. He spits it out, then turns on his stomach and crawls away, actually managing to break free of the pool of black attempting to pull him in.

" _So don't forget,"_ said a voice.

He reaches the edge of the platform, and is about to jump off it, when some sort of hovercraft comes speeding upward out of the abyss. It barely grazes him, but the force is enough to knock him back into the pool. The black stuff wraps around his leg, and holds him fast.

Sora casts one last glance toward the hovercraft that condemned him to this fate before his face is covered and everything fades to black.

" _You are the one who will open the hoagie,"_ an exasperated sigh is the last thing Sora hears.

* * *

 **Destiny Islands**

When Sora next opens his eyes, he sees a blue sky, with a sun shining brightly overhead. All is placid. He leans up, stretches and yawns, then proceeds to lay back down, until he sees someone hovering over him,

"Boo!" she says, and Sora shoots upward, his heart racing so fast that it's almost like he has two.

* * *

 **Destiny Islands was a good level for the beginning of the game. It introduces the player to concepts that they will use throughout the entirety of the game, and allows people who have never tried an action game before to adapt to playing, by being a low-stakes environment. If you lose one of the fights against the islands' residents, it doesn't leave any permanent records, unless it's Riku that you lose to, and even that doesn't really mean anything. In that sense, the world is good, but it's not really all that great for parody. Compared to the other worlds, it somewhat lacks material, so I doubt I'll be able to squeeze much funny out of it without relying on cheap gags, which I most assuredly will. That means that your expectations for this world should not be too high, or you'll risk disappointment.**


	3. Dogs Are Color Blind

**Chapter 3 - Dogs Are Color Blind**

* * *

As Sora approached the side of the island where Kairi stood, he thought back on what had gotten him into this situation.

* * *

 **Destiny Islands**

 **Day 0, Evening**

Sora's mother, Unnamed Mother (no relation to anyone else of the same name), was sitting at a table, drinking some tea, or whatever tertiary characters do off-screen, when suddenly her son came sprinting into the room the table was in, slammed the door behind him, and braced it with a chair.

"Mom, help! Kairi's a psychopath," He shouted, not quite breathless, "She keeps threatening to bury me up to my head at the shore line during low tide, then watch me drown when the tide comes back in."

"Why are you always saying things like that?" Unnamed Mother asked, "Kairi's never caused any trouble for anyone. She even made cookies for everyone on the island once,"

"Yeah, and everyone had Mercury poisoning for the next few weeks,"

"Everyone except you, so how do we know that you didn't poison them?"

"I wasn't poisoned because I didn't eat the cookies, because I know that Kairi is a psychopath! And she didn't get sick, either!"

"Maybe not, but she's not the one going around calling someone a psychopath. Kairi's never caused trouble for anyone,"

"Were you not listening to anything I just said?" Sora demanded, "Kairi is-" he stopped when a familiar chill ran down his spine. "-right behind me," Sora said, in shuddering breaths.

Sure enough, Sora turned around slowly to see Kairi standing there. The chair was still barring the door, so how she got in was anyone's guess.

"Please, come in," Sora's mother said to Kairi, even though she was already in, because courtesy, or something.

"Thanks, abbreviation-of-noun-indicating-marital-status Mother," Kairi walked in.

"Please, call me 'Unnamed'," said Sora's mother, going somewhere else that's not directly important so it won't be expounded upon.

Upon seeing Kairi, Sora gave a nervous laugh,

"How much of that did you hear?" he asked.

"Naughty, naughty Sora, almost spilling the beans like that," Kairi responded, walking toward the backpedaling Sora until he was against a wall, "I'll have to punish you, now."

She got in close, forcing Sora to huddle into as tight a space as possible, and whispered into his ear,

"Did you know, there's a plant that grows on this island, that is an incredibly potent natural laxative?" Kairi asked with a smile, "Guess who's on water delivery duty this week."

"Th-Then I won't drink anything. You can't make me," Sora said nervously.

"Oh, but you'll have to, Sora. The human body can only go 3 consecutive days without water. If you don't want to die of dehydration, then you'll have to drink the water I bring. Well, either that or the sea water."

"You're a monster! You won't get away with thi-"

About this time, Sora's mother came back from wherever she was, and Kairi cut the conversation short.

"I just came by to talk to Sora," Kairi told her, "I'll be going now," and she left.

"I don't know why you have to try to cause trouble, Sora. She's a sweet girl," Sora's mother said, "In fact, tomorrow, you're spending all day with her,"

"Wait, no, please-"

"No buts, Sora,"

* * *

 **Destiny Islands**

 **Day 1, Morning**

And that's how he got to where he is now.

"So, can you gather the rest of the supplies?" asked Kairi, "Sora, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, I heard you," Sora responded.

"Okay. Here's what we need: two logs, one cloth, and one rope. Bring everything back here,"

"You're just going to stand here while I do all the work?"

"Did I say you could question me, b***h?" Kairi asks, sending Sora scurrying away to the beach, where he sees Wakka, who is now a stoner, because he needs a gimmick, and has an accent that's close enough to Jamaican.

"Hey, what's happening, man?" says Wakka, then he stops speaking, having forgot what he said, because stereotypes.

"Yo! You up for a round?" asks the sound Pac-Man makes,

"You mean fighting, right?" Sora asks.

"No, man," Wakka responds, holding up a bag of marijuana, because stereotypes.

Then suddenly they're in the middle of the beach, and Sora has a wooden sword, because in order to have enough content to make the Destiny Islands last at least two chapters, Sora will have to fight everyone at least once.

Sora runs around on the beach as Wakka tries to pelt him with rubber balls, attempting to dodge Wakka's shots and close the distance. The funny thing is, it would probably be easier if he still had that shield and could block them. Every time he gets close, Wakka knocks him back with another ball. It doesn't seem possible for rubber balls to knock someone back, but these hit with a staggering amount of force for what they are. Where Wakka is getting them from is a mystery, but he never seems to run out, or have to go pick up any of the ones that he throws.

Sora has been getting pelted periodically for a few minutes now, and he's still no closer to winning. At a loss for what to do, Sora runs from the beach, and returns to his home, deciding to consult the Internet. Unfortunately, his plan to search for the strategy to win the fight is hampered by Internet connection speeds because Kingdom Hearts came out in the early 2000's, when Internet access wasn't very fast. On top of that, Wakka had followed him to his house and was standing in the doorway, still pelting him. Every time Sora attempted to type something, Wakka would hit him with a ball again so he would have to delete the typo. Eventually, Sora manages to find a strategy guide, and begins perusing it for what to do,

" _Let's see,"_ Sora thinks to himself, " _According to this I can stun him if I hit...oh. Yeah, I guess that would."_

Although armed with the strategy for victory, Sora really wanted to avoid that if he could, so he ran back to the beach still being followed and pelted and resumed his previous position. Wakka's aim is uncanny, and Sora is sure that the last ball that he threw had a rock in it. Now running out of patience, Sora decides that there's no other option. With no way to reach Wakka though, he has to take a page from the boy's book, throwing the sword at him in an attempt to stop the onslaught. If it fails then Sora will be left defenseless but it's his best chance right now.

Fortunately it finds it's mark. Sort of, anyway.

"Oh, God, why?!" Wakka cries, falling over.

"The strategy guide says I'm supposed to hit your balls,"

Don't act like you didn't see this coming.

"No! The blitzballs!" Wakka says, tearily.

Well, I guess the fight's over.

With that distraction out of the way, Sora goes to one of the treehouse looking things looking for a length of rope for the mysterious project that Riku and Kairi refuse to explain.

" _It's got to be a raft, right? What else would you use rope, cloth, and logs for?_ " Sora thinks to himself.

He finds the rope, and takes it without asking who owns it, or whether they were using it for anything. That's called "theft", where I live, but I guess the rules are different on other worlds. On the way back to the beach, Sora notices another one of the island's residents, Tidus, standing by the edge of the treehouse.

"Are you alright?" He asks Tidus, who is swiping madly at the air using a stick in his hand.

"Gah! They're everywhere!" Tidus yells, continuing his furious strikes at nothing.

"What is?" Sora asks.

"Pyreflies!" Tidus yells, turning around to face Sora. Now that Sora was able to see him, it was apparent that Tidus had gotten into something he wasn't supposed to.

"Have you been hitting the Ether again?" Sora asked.

Tidus was bug-eyed, and those eyes were bloodshot, he periodically twitched violently, and didn't seem to notice when he did, and he was aggressively scratching at his skin. Tidus lunged at Sora, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him aggressively, before getting right in Sora's face,

"They're everywhere" Tidus whispered, "the air, the water... they're inside everything... Even ME!"

Tidus pushed Sora to the ground, and ran toward one of the walls of the treehouse, where he huddled into a ball, and began rocking back and forth and muttering,

"The wheels on the machina go round and round, round and round, round and round."

"Hey, uh...Tidus," Sora said, wary to approach,

"Old mother Hubbard went to her cupboard," Tidus whispered, "but the cupboard was a dream of the Fayth."

When Sora approached Tidus, he sprang up and started flailing about, trying to get rid of the imaginary bugs. In his blind thrashing, Tidus didn't notice the rapidly approaching railing, and fell right off the treehouse, into the water.

"The Itsy Blitzball player jumped in the water sphere," Tidus sang as he fell.

Now thoroughly panicked, Sora took off down to the beach.

" _Why is everyone on this island crazy?_ " Sora thinks to himself, as he rushes to check on Tidus.

Sora arrives at the beach to find Tidus standing in the water,

"Pyeflies let me hold my breath forever!" he shouts,

"Tidus wait, don't do that!"

"I'm Aquaman, bi-" Tidus almost yelled, until the author realised that Aquaman is DC, and Disney bought Marvel.

Wait, that means I can't make Sora fight Darkseid at the end of the Destiny Islands.

"You were going to do what?!" Sora asks.

Now I have to think of something else.

About this time, Tidus realizes that Sora is still there,

"It's a fiend!" he yells, and charges at Sora,

"What are you talking about?" Sora asks.

Tidus advances on Sora as fast as he can through the water, his muttering and singing now devolved to maniacal yelling,

"Sin, Sin go away! Come again another day!"

As soon as he reaches the shore line, however, he trips over something and faceplants in the sand.

"Oh, there's one of the logs I need," Sora says, and retrieves it.

Now quite eager to get away, Sora only checks to ensure that Tidus is still breathing, before going off to look for something else.

On the pier, he finds the girl whose name is such an easy joke that I won't do it.

"Ah, the breeze feels great," She says, even though there is no breeze around.

When he asks her where he could find a large piece of cloth, she responds that she'll tell him if he manages to win a fight against her.

" _This should be easy,_ " Sora thinks as they are once again dumped unceremoniously on the beach, with no one even commenting on how it happened," _She's the weakest of all of them. All I have to do is close the dist-_

His thoughts were abruptly stopped, when he felt something jab into him, and he dropped to the ground twitching uncontrollably.

"Isn't this cool? It's called a taser."

In true Final Fantasy fashion, it also upgrades to "Tasera" and "Taserga", and in some versions "Taserja".

"Kairi gave it to me," Selphie said.

" _Of course she did,_ " Sora thought.

Ecstatic that she got to try out her toy, Selphie forgot that she had told Sora he had to win against her, and just told him that there was a cloth in the treehouse.

Upon reaching the treehouse Sora started looking for the cloth, and noticed that Tidus was once again by the railing, swiping at the air with his pole. Carefully avoiding him this time, Sora searched the area all around him but could find no cloth anywhere. He was about to leave to ask for more information but since I don't have any jokes to transition to the three-on-one fight he just found himself on the beach, facing Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie all at once.

Somewhere amidst panicked running, and getting pelted by rubber balls that had to have been loaded with steel bearings, Sora found himself and all three of them in the water. It was total chaos, everyone was running around trying to grab Sora so he did the only thing he could think of to get away,

"Tidus, look! There's a pyrefly on Wakka!"

In response, Tidus turned around and jumped on Wakka, shoving him into the water and hitting him repeatedly with the pole he was holding while shouting,

"Zanarkand is falling down! Falling down! Falling down!"

While Tidus was attacking Wakka, Sora slipped away, escaping the water in the confusion.

"Help!" shouted Wakka, unable to get more than a gasping breath before Tidus pushed him back under the water.

As Sora arrived on the shore, Selphie scrambled to get a hold on Tidus so she could use her taser on him. She grabbed a leg and jabbed it into the ankle but it turned out to be her own leg. More importantly, they were touching the water, so the shock was conducted onto all three of them and they promptly dropped into the water, while Sora ran away.

Sora kept running, not even noticing his pockets get heavier as the Potion that he got from winning the fight appeared in them. Eventually, he reached a small islet, attached to the main land via a wooden bridge. On the islet, three meters away from where Riku sat on a tree, was the last log.

"Hey, Riku! Could you get that log?" Sora asked.

"No."

So Sora had to grab it himself. Then they fought.

"What? No! I'm not going to attack Riku just because he wouldn't grab a log."

I said, then they fought.

"No."

Fine then. A coconut falls on Sora's head and knocks him off the island, into the water.

Are you regretting your actions yet?

"No."

Then Selphie pops out of the water, traps him in a choke hold, and tasers him again.

Sora's convulsing drags him back to the shore with the two logs and rope still in his hands. It's amazing how he held onto that through everything. Once back on the sand he sees smoke and follows it to the back of the beach where Wakka has the cloth that Sora was looking for rolled into a giant spliff, because if we're going to stereotype then we may as well go all in. Sora grabs the cloth and throws it into a nearby pool of water but forgets that cloth is heavier when wet, so now he has to carry a waterlogged cloth along with everything else, back to Kairi.

By the time he arrives at Kairi's location, evening is beginning.

"You finally got everything? What about the goat?" Kairi asks him.

"Goat? What goat? Why do you need a goat?" Sora asked.

"Never mind, we'll get it tomorrow," She responds, "Here, you can have this. You'll need it." She gives him a High-Potion. What's that you're saying? They're called "Hi-Potions" in Final Fantasy? Not this one. Sora knows that she probably put something in it, but he also knows that odds are something will happen that will end up forcing him to drink it.

With all the menial tasks finished for the day, Sora and Kairi retreat to the small islet where Riku is so they can stare at the sun for some reason.

* * *

 **Destiny Islands**

 **Day 1, Evening**

Sora and company are gathered around a tree, conversing, and watching the sunset,

"So, Kairi's home is out there, somewhere, right?"

"Could be. We'll never know by staying here."

"But how far could a raft take us?"

"Raft? What are you talking about?"

"That's what we're doing with all this stuff, right?"

"No."

"Well, then what _are_ we doing?" Sora asked, but Kairi was already walking away.

"Did you seriously think we were building a raft, Sora?" asked Riku, "How would that even work?"

"Why won't you tell me what we're doing?" Sora asked, "And what do we need a goat for?"

Sora started after Kairi but Riku stopped him, throwing something at him.

Sora scraped it off his face then turned to ask Riku about it. It was a poo-poo fruit, or something like that. I forgot what it was called but it's all yellow and squishy so it's probably a poo-poo fruit.

Riku says something about destiny and twine then walks away as well.

Sora moves to follow but hears a fast, repeating clicking sound behind him. He turns around to see Selphie approaching and he runs madly away, quickly overtaking Riku and Kairi.

* * *

 **Disney Worl... No wait, it's called Disney Castle**

Donald Duck, Court Wizard and High Inquisitor in King Mickey's Star Chamber is walking lazily through one of the many lavish hallways of Disney Castle. He passes by a group of brooms brought to life and forced into manual labor positions so that the upper class wouldn't have to pay for servants, and sets one of them on fire because he can. The other brooms attempt to use their buckets of water to put the fire out, but he orders them not to, and because of the magic that brought them to life, they have no choice but to obey.

" _It's good to be part of the ruling class,_ " the High Inquisitor thinks.

He continues on, indifferent to the broom's suffering, until he arrives at a door much taller than strictly necessary, an extravagant show of the ample wealth of the social elite. Donald knocks on the door, and a smaller door opens, allowing him access. He walks down a long, richly decorated hallway to a decadent, golden throne far taller than the one who sits on it, and finds it empty.

One of the "citizens" of Disney Castle, the King's personal pet, who wasn't allowed any clothes and was forced to wear a collar, comes crawling out from behind the throne on all fours, a letter in his mouth. Donald takes the letter, reads it, then runs, screaming, out of the throne room.

As he runs frantically through the cracked cobblestone streets of the proletariat sector to the Ministry of Happiness, his lavish clothes, crafted of the finest silk at the expense of the citizens, stick out against the dingy rags that the "people" around him wear. The ruling class, clothes dyed in the brightest of colors, speaking to their fortunes, were easy to identify when they deigned to walk the dirty, uneven streets the miserable peasants lived on. Donald hated coming out here, though. The smoke from the industrial sector discolored the light as it filtered down into the streets, casting a ruddy, brown light on everything, and left visible clouds of smoke or dust in the air. Small hovels, pathetic excuses for a shelter were tightly packed on either side of the streets, making the roads narrow, and between that and the throngs of ignobles populating them, the roads were nearly impossible to tread. Then there were the peasants. The pathetic whining and baleful glares of the mongrels that dared to beg for more than they earned grated on his refined sensibilities, as though the King's charity for letting them live in this paradise wasn't good enough for them. Ungrateful curs. They know their place, though. They wouldn't dare get in Donald's way; he could say one word and have them re-educated.

Whilst suffering the indignity of traversing these dirty streets, Donald comes across a puddle that is too large for him to step over. He waits patiently for one of the peasants to place something into it that he could walk on to avoid getting his feet wet. When nothing comes, he instead grabs a nearby peasant, throws him into the puddle, and walks over him. When the peasant rises, demanding to be dried off, Donald sets him on fire and walks away.

He proceeds through the narrow and crowded roads, past the shabby huts that were, in his opinion, a blight on the King's lands, and to the grand palace that is the Ministry of Happiness. The bastion of goodwill that ensures the prosperity and contentment of everyone, even despite the protests of the ungrateful peasants. The clerk flinches upon noticing Donald, and when Donald demands to know where the High Magistrate was, the clerk meekly responds that he had returned to the castle after a patrol. Donald sets the clerk on fire and leaves, smirking inwardly at the power the ruling class held, since he couldn't smirk outwardly, on account of having a bill.

Now knowing where Goofy is, Donald hurries to the courtyard of the castle, where The High Magistrate is asleep under a castle-shaped hedge after a long and eventful patrol where several ne'er-do-wells were found gathering to spread discontent among the happy citizens. In his infinite wisdom, the King had given the High Magistrate the authority to send the bad-eggs to be re-educated so that they can remember how to be happy again. One rabble-rouser struggled though, and the High Magistrate needed to give them a few friendly taps with his happiness shield.

The happiness shield had been commissioned by the King, as a gift to celebrate the High Magistrate's new position. After the shield was completed, the King mumbled some words over it, and gave it to Goofy, saying that he had placed an enchantment on it that caused it to remove the darkness from people's hearts when it touched them, but the deeper the darkness was set, the harder the touch had to be.

Goofy gave the wastre... I mean bad-egg a few hearty thumps with the happiness shield, and he fell asleep. The darkness oozed from the spot where the shield's enchantment touched him, into a pool of black on the floor underneath him. After seeing that one, the others must have realised that they were misbehaving because they settled down, and went quietly to the Ministry of Happiness. The High Magistrate often wondered why the King decided to name the re-education chamber "Room 101", but knew better than to question the King.

"Goofy!" Donald yells in an attempt to wake him. It fails of course. He continues trying, and manages to rouse the sleeping High Magistrate enough to get him speaking,

"The Nile is the longest river in Africa and the second in length of all the rivers of the globe. Although falling short of the length of the Mississippi-Missouri, the Nile is at the head of all rivers as regards the length of its basin, which extends through 35 degrees of latitude …" the sleeping Goofy says. I wonder what that means.

After several more attempts to wake the High Magistrate fail, the High Inquisitor decides to use his magic,

"THUNDER!" he yells, but nothing happens.

"THUNDER!" he yells again, and once again, nothing happens, because he's yelling "Thunder" while he's trying to summon lightning.

"Oh, fine," he says, finally, "LIGHTNING!"

Somewhere out of his sight, a bolt of lighting struck. Unfortunately for Donald, he is the Court Wizard, not the court Physicist, so he knows nothing about how lightning works, including its propensity for striking targets higher in the air because there is less resistance. A few of them might have even broken through the fourth wall and ended up in other stories. Since he doesn't know this he has to keep trying, and hope that one of the spells eventually decides to work.

Several tries later, a bolt strikes the large, castle-shaped hedge that the High Magistrate is sleeping under, and a flaming branch falls atop him. This wakes the High Magistrate, who springs up, looks lazily around, and spies his friend,

"Hey there, Donald. G'morning." he says.

"We've got a problem, Goofy! But don't tell anyone," Donald said.

"Queen Minnie?" Goofy asked.

"Not even the Queen,"

"Daisy?"

"No, it's top secret,"

"G'morning, ladies," Goofy said, looking behind Donald. Upon hearing that, Donald turned around, and saw the two mentioned.

"You're not over here plotting against the King...are you?" the Queen asked, menacingly.

"No! No, I swear!" Donald said, "We were just-"

The queen interrupts him, summoning brooms around the both of them. Seriously, why are there so many brooms in this castle?

"Take them to the study," the Queen says, and the brooms march up to the two, grabbing them. As they're being led away, Donald notices that one of the brooms holding him is singed.

* * *

 **Well, we're out of the tutorial. I want to get through Destiny Islands fast, since it doesn't have much material, but I also don't want to halfway do something, so I'm making it two chapters. The next will most likely cover the rest of the time on the Islands and leaving them. I don't plan to make this terribly long; I'll probably end it shortly after Traverse Town.**


	4. The pigeons are back

**Chapter 4 - The pigeons are back.**

 **Contains censored language, and non-graphic descriptions of excessive amounts of blood.**

* * *

 **Destiny Islands**

 **Day 2, Morning**

When consciousness returned to Sora, he was on the small pier on the front of the island. He was unaware of how he got there, but knew where he was supposed to go. This was probably Kairi's doing.

He walked to the beachfront and found her there, staring at him. He had never agreed to another round of fetching things, but knew that he would have to do it anyway.

He approached her, and she didn't even bother with a greeting before dropping the task list on him, "Get one seagull egg, three mushrooms, two coconuts, three fish, five candles, a live goat, and fill this bottle with fresh water. And it better not be salt water, or I'll throw you in the cave with that creepy, old guy in the brown robe, and board the entrance up."

He wanted to ask about the goat again, and possibly the old guy, but knew that would just end in him getting yelled at, so he just left to start the search.

He goes out into the water to catch fish. It's a slow process, considering that they are faster in the water than he is, but eventually he manages to get three. As he grabs the last one and stuffs it into whatever pocket dimension is used as an inventory, Sora swears that he hears a small voice call out, "Nemo!", but it's probably nothing.

Having gotten the fish, Sora proceeds to the area just before the wooden bridge that leads to the small islet. There, atop a tree, is a seagull egg. Sora shimmies his way up the tree next to it, only falling once, and jumps to the tree that holds the egg. Once there, he grabs it, and places it into the pocket dimension. Following that, a swarm of pigeons descends on him, knocking him back out of the tree. Then, a coconut falls on his head. Coconuts are always funny, right? Between that one, and the one that fell on his head yesterday, he now has the two required coconuts, and moves on to the next item.

He searches for a long period of time, but still doesn't locate the third mushroom.

"Jeez, It's like there are exactly three mushrooms on this entire island, and absolutely no more. Where is that thing?!"

"Hey, man. I heard you were looking for mushrooms," said Wakka.

"No, not that kind," Sora responded, "Actually, maybe she won't notice the difference. Do you have any?"

"Over there, at the base of that tree is a secret place," Wakka says, "Me and Tidus, we are gonna do a little explori-"

"Okay! That's _way_ more than I needed to hear! I don't want to know what you're doing with Tidus' secret place."

Sora runs off into the cave, before Wakka can go into more detail. The inside of the cave is dark and damp, the perfect place for mushrooms to grow. He proceeds along a path that seems to be longer than is actually possible, given the size of the world. The end of the path opens to the rest of the cave, what seems to be rocks with roots growing between them. A curious fixture, well and truly out of place in this pile of rock and roots, is a large, wooden door with a golden trim along the edges. Fixed to the front of the door is a sign that reads: No Hidden Content this way.

Choosing to err on the side of caution, for all the good that usually does him, Sora leaves the door alone, and is about to leave, when he spots another mushroom.

As he reaches down to pick it up, he notices drawings on the rock walls of the cave. Sora fondly recalls when Kairi was younger, and not pure evil, and they sat in this cave together drawing on the walls. He sits down to look at the drawings again, then remembers that she was always pure evil, and what actually happened was her grinding his face into the wall to make the pictures. It took a long time to get them exactly the way she wanted, too. She was like the Stanley Kubrick of cave paintings.

He notices something different about the one depicting their faces, and looks closer. The light is low, so he peers intently at it until he realizes that it's a depiction of a knife, placed between their faces, and pointed at Sora. He isn't surprised in the slightest by this.

There are other drawings too, elsewhere on the walls. It's unclear whether they're chalk or just scratched onto the walls but what isn't unclear in the slightest is the evil that they depict. Five-pointed stars, one point straight down, surrounded by a circle. What appeared to be a person, laying in one of those circles, and another person standing over them with a knife. People wearing hats with brims, but putting them backwards, or sideways. Someone sitting in a chair, dumping a bucket of water with ice in it on their heads. That last one actually had really impressive detail for a chalk drawing. Underneath all of that were strange word-like things, grotesque mockeries of the human tongue, such as "Yolo", "Swag", and "Twerk". These were no doubt formed by demented minds from the deepest of netherworlds, and could only have been part of some sort of demonic invocation.

As Sora was turning was to escape this place before he was found in a horror movie-esque way, a voice sounded behind him,

"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this."

Sora jumped, fearing for his life, until he realized that the voice was masculine, so it couldn't have been Kairi. He turned to look at the source, and saw a brown robe among the rocks in one corner. He turned to leave, when the figure spoke again.

"Wait! Don't leave. It's lonely here."

"You can't go somewhere else?"

"Look at me. Do you honestly think I can walk out of this cave without getting arrested?"

"Well, you are kinda creepy."

"A little white-haired kid used to come in here sometimes. He asked me how he could live forever, and I told him all he had to do was find a teenage boy he could force his heart int-"

"Okay. I'm getting out of here!"

Sora escapes the cave, and continues running until he finds Riku, who he challenges to a race for some reason.

"If I win, you'll tell me what you two are planning," Sora says, because I'm not writing that sappy crap about sharing the paopu fruit.

"You guys at it again? Alright, I'll be the judge," Kairi said from directly behind Sora, scaring him once again.

 _"How does she keep doing that?"_ Sora asks himself, taking a ready stance.

"3"

"2"

"1"

"Go!"

Sora takes off, quickly taking the lead. He approaches the wooden bridge segments that are probably a severe safety hazard, and crosses the first segment.

He jumps the gap to the second segment and runs across it, but as it turns out, the last board wasn't actually attached, and it gave way as soon as he stepped on it. See? Safety hazard.

Gravity asserts itself, and Sora tumbles to the ground, twisting his ankle.

Now falling behind, Sora downs a potion from his pocket or wherever he keeps them and continues on. Being thoroughly behind Riku, Sora decides to take the zip-line that was set up atop a tower for some reason.

He climbs the ladder without incident, and grabs onto the handle of the zip-line with one hand. Everything is going well, he is pulling pretty far ahead of Riku, so he is long overdue for something to go horribly wrong. And it does.

Out of nowhere, a mass of black that no one else even seems to see begins to blot out the sun. It speeds toward Sora with a fury only seen in- oh, God, it's those pigeons again! Sora frantically swings himself forward on the zip-line, attempting to reach the end before the birds could reach him, but it is for naught. They're upon him within seconds and amid the merciless pecking Sora loses his grip, falling helplessly to the ground. The birds pursue, their malice unabated by his additional suffering, and continue their assault on Sora who is at this point prone on the sand, cowering and trying to hide his face.

Amidst the squawking Armageddon, Sora dares to look up from his position on the ground and one of the creatures glides in front of his face, aggressively beating its wings right in front of him and whipping up a wind to fire sand into his eyes with ridiculous precision for a creature that shouldn't have that much intelligence. Things continue in this vein for some time and Sora has to wonder how no one has heard any of it. Then, all at once, they're gone. No witnesses, no feathers, nothing to prove they had ever existed. Sora wonders briefly if he hadn't accidentally consumed the potion Kairi had made. Regardless, he sees a nearby body of water and moves to fill the bottle from it. He notes the bloodshot eyes of his reflection, from the earlier sandblasting they received, and tries desperately not to think about how that couldn't have happened unless the pigeons were real.

Having had his fill of weird happenings for the day, he goes to Kairi and drops off the things he gathered. As he's giving them to her, he notes that he's missing the five candles, and the live goat, then realizes with mounting horror what the big plan is.

Saying nothing, Sora departs, wide eyed, to his house for the evening.

When he arrives home, Sora's mother notes the state of his eyes.

"Have you been eating the mushrooms in that cave again?"

Sora thought about telling her how this happened. The race, which he now realized he had lost, the pigeon apocalypse, and the precision abrading his eyes had gotten, but as he thought over how that sounded he reasoned that she wouldn't believe him. Sora gave up and departed to his room. There was no way he could prove how he got into his current state, and in this state there was certainly no way that Sora's mother would believe him if he told her that Kairi was planning some sort of evil blood ritual.

When he leaves, Sora's mother reaches into a drawer, withdrawing a bag of mushrooms, "How am I supposed to grow these to sell if he keeps eating them?"

* * *

 **Disney Castle**

Queen Minnie and Daisy are in the study with Donald and Goofy, the latter two still held captive by the brooms. Minnie is looking over a letter allegedly addressed to Donald, from the King. It read as such:

 _Donald,_

 _Sorry to rush off without sayin' goodbye, but there's big trouble brewin'_

 _Not sure why, but the stars have been blinkin' out one by one. And that means disaster can't be far behind._

 _I hate to leave you all, but I've gotta go check into it._

About three lines down, the tone of the letter changed:

 _Now that Goofy's short attention span has him doing something else, we can get down to actual matters._

 _I'm sure you're aware of the rising discontent among the proletariat, Donald._

 _The revolutionist movement is picking up steam._ _They've even managed to seize some of the broom factories in the industrial sector._

So that's why they have so many brooms.

 _If they keep this up, then they might become a threat to us. I've heard tell of a weapon that might allow us to suppress the rebels, but I don't know precisely where it is, so I'm going to find an ancient supercomputer that can hopefully give me its location._

 _Until such time as I return with it, you and Goofy are to prevent further advancement of the malcontents, by any means necessary._

 _Failure will not be tolerated, High Inquisitor._

"A revolution? That's terrible! What do we do?" Daisy asks.

Minnie turns to face Donald and Goofy, still held captive.

"You two will prove your loyalty to the King by finding this weapon," the Queen decrees.

"But the King said-"

"I'm aware of what the king said, High Inquisitor, but we will take care of the heretics." the Queen responds, "And, to ensure your continued loyalty, the leader of the Thought Police will accompany you."

The queen gestures to what appeared to be an empty desk. Donald and Goofy lean closely in to the desk, looking for whoever the queen was talking about, when they both hear a voice near their ears.

"Cricket's the name. Jiminy Cricket," it said in a high, friendly voice, before immediately changing to a deep, menacing one, "I am your conscience. I know your every thought, every dream, every desire. If you have a single disloyal notion, I will know it."

A knock on the door occurs, and in comes a messenger, reporting that sudden lightning strikes had occurred seemingly at random, setting various civilian houses on fire, and some of them even striking other worlds. Donald whistled innocently, while the messenger begged the Queen to send aid.

"Please, Your Majesty! Everything is burning! Even the injured, orphan puppy hospital is on fire. I passed it on the way here."

The queen dismissed the messenger, and when no one was looking, Donald set him on fire.

"If you don't find the weapon," the queen said, ordering the brooms to march Donald and Goofy to the gummi hangar, "then don't bother coming back, unless you want to face charges of high-treason."

As they were leaving, Minnie threw the letter in a fireplace and lit it up, to destroy any evidence.

As the letter burned in the fireplace, some secret text became visible.

 _Donald,_

 _I thought you might end up setting this letter on fire, as you are wont to do, so I put this message here, for your eyes only._ _Please for the love of all that is holy, do **not** leave Minnie alone to suppress the uprising. There's a reason she's kept out of judiciary administration!_

The message was lost though, as the fire consumed the text without anyone having ever seen it.

"Daisy," the queen said, once Donald and Goofy were out of earshot, "Have the brooms fetch the Disney branding irons, and the mouse o' nine tails. We're going to enlighten some doubters."

Once at the hangar, Donald and Goofy were placed into one of the gummi-ships that Disney Castle is known to employ in it's air force. The runway was cleared and they were told not to touch the experimental Infinite Improbability-G that was installed in that ship, so of course Goofy did exactly that. After pressing it, the floor underneath them opened up and the ship fell down the new passageway launching out of the bottom of the world.

Once in space, Donald took control of the ship, piloting it toward Traverse Town, a well-known gathering spot for rogue elements, and a rumor mill.

Their trip was not to be pleasant however, as shortly after launching, they were nearly run down by a random hovercraft that came out of nowhere.

"Stupid space-vessel licensing office," muttered Donald, "Are they even testing people before they let them drive, anymore?"

Donald continues on, until a large blue box with some words on the front, comes spinning at a leisurely pace past his ship, and takes one of the mirrors off.

"Oh, come on! How old do you have to be to still be driving one of those?"

* * *

 **Destiny Islands, Day 2, Evening**

Sora wakes up, hearing thunder. He looks out his window and sees a storm approaching. Sora was still half-asleep, and so forgot that there wasn't a raft to check on. He rushed out into the coming storm for nothing, ignoring the shout from his mother that food was prepared.

He makes it to the island, and finds everything distinctly menacing. It was dark, there was some sort of large, black sphere hovering over the small islet that Sora and company gathered on to stare at the sun, and some fast-paced orchestral music was playing from somewhere that followed him wherever he went.

 _Oh, my God. Kairi must have finished whatever ritual she was doing._

Sora walked off the pier, and found the island overrun with the small, black creatures that attacked him in his dream. Upon seeing them, he flinched, and covered his head with his hands, fully expecting a shield to fall on it. When nothing came, he removed his hands, and a coconut fell on his head. There weren't any trees nearby, we just needed to complete the sequence.

One of the creatures moved toward him, and Sora ran away, unsure of how effective the wooden sword would actually be against these things.

Sora runs to the secret place, intending to look at the carvings on the rocks, to see if they've changed any.

Inside the secret place, he finds Kairi standing in front of the door.

She looks at him, eyes half open, then says something. The door blasts open, and Kairi goes flying toward Sora. He closes his eyes, and guards his face with his hands, but before she runs into him, she disappears.

Sora opens his eyes and looks around, but finds no Kairi.

"Her ritual must have destroyed her...I-I'm free!" he shouts, joyfully, "No more constant threats, I'm free!"

I think we all know what actually happened, but just let him believe for a bit.

Sora begins running excitedly out of the cave, but stops to punch himself in the face.

 _"...Why did I just do that?"_ he asked himself, rubbing his now sore jaw.

 _"Just making sure that I don't feel pain."_

"Who said that?" Sora asked, aloud.

No one responded, so he just proceeded out of the cave.

Once out, Sora saw Riku on the small islet with the giant black sphere above it, and proceeded there, to tell him about Kairi.

When he got there though, what he saw surprised him, because it's time for the obligatory M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist.

"Riku...It was you?" Sora asked.

Riku was standing in the middle of the islet, the cloth, with one side still singed, was rolled out flat, a pentacle drawn on it, and a candle at each corner. There was a goat in the middle of the pentacle.

"It's not done yet."

"Riku?"

"You'll do just fine, Sora."

"Wait. Hold on. What are you talking about?"

"It still needs a sacrifice of virgin blood."

"What?! No way! You're not sacrificing me!"

Sora attempts to leave, but finds he has no control over his movement.

"What's happening?" Sora asks, as he finds himself walking toward the pentacle. He stands in place, unable to move, as Riku picks up his wooden sword.

"Wait. You're going to use that?" Sora asks. "That's not even a real blade!"

"That just means it'll take a little longer."

Riku grabs Sora's arm and runs the wooden sword across it.

"Splinters! Oh, God, why?!" Sora says, attempting to pull his arm free.

"Stop squirming. That'll just make it hurt more."

"Why are you doing this?" Sora asks.

"Why?" Riku responds, "Look at me, Sora. Look at my hair. I'm already going grey. At this rate, I won't make it past 30."

"But why does that warrant all this?"

"Immortality, Sora. I'm going to live forever."

He does it again.

There it goes. That's...a lot of blood. That's really a lot of blood.

The blood runs into the pentacle, and it lights up with a sinister red glow that continues to grow brighter until it's blinding. Then it fades, and in the pentacle is a creature that could have been the goat at one time.

"Woah. That's a lot of blood," it said. "Way more than was necessary to summon me."

"You hear that?" Sora asked, "You didn't need that much blood."

"I know," Riku said. "Now, grant my wish!" he commanded the creature.

"Wish? Do I look like a f*****g dragon to you?"

"Make me immortal!"

"Fine. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo," it says, and a red glow envelops Riku, then fades.

"Yes! I've done it! Now, I'll never grow old."

"Who said anything about that? You'll never die, but...when 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not."

"What?! No, I demand you fix it!"

"Can't do that, pal. You need to sacrifice more blood fir-"

Riku cuts Sora's other arm.

"Jesus, dude! I was kidding. Do you just not care about his wellbeing, at all?"

"I did it, now keep your end of the bargain!"

"Fine. Avada Kedavra," it says, and the red glow returns, then fades again.

"Now you've stopped aging. You won't ever get taller, your voice will never deepen, and you'll never be old enough to drink."

"No! That's not what I wanted!"

He cuts Sora's leg. I...don't think humans can actually bleed this much.

"Fix it!"

"You need to sacrifice more blood."

"I just did."

"I didn't tell you to do that."

"But I did."

"Not my problem. If you want me to do something else, you have to sacrifice blood _after_ I tell you to."

"Didn't you just say you were joking about the blood sacrifice thing?" Sora asks desperately.

"Changed my mind."

"You can't do that! Isn't there supposed to be some pre-ordained list of rules that you have to abide by?"

Riku turns to Sora again, raising the wooden sword.

"Someone help me!" Sora yells, and from the sky, a random lightning bolt strikes wooden sword, disintegrating it.

"I...didn't expect that to actually work." Sora says.

A flash of light blinds everyone.

" _Keyblade_. _Keyblade. Keyblade. K_ _eyblade. Keyblade. Keyblade. Hoagies._ " whispered the voices from his dream.

When the light fades, what seems to be a giant key appears in Riku's hand.

"I guess that'll work," he says.

"Wait, please! That's even worse! It doesn't have an edge at all!"

You know what? We're just going to skip this part.

...

Holy crap, that's a lot of blood. Slaanesh is pleased.

* * *

 **Destiny Islands, slightly later.**

"Well, I'm done here," Riku says, throwing the Keybleed...er blade, down by Sora.

"Riku wait! Don't leave me here with that thing!"

"Sucks to be you!" Riku said, allowing the black sphere above the islet to pull him into it. Then it disappears because it isn't a necessary element to the narrative anymore.

Sora laughed nervously, staring at the creature, "I don't suppose I can challenge you to a rock off?"

"No," it responds, stalking toward him.

It reaches Sora, and begins trying to inhale his heart, or soul, or whatever it is, but shortly after starting, it recoils backward and falls to the ground, scrabbling away on all fours, and clawing at its throat. It tries to look away, but can't erase the memory of nightmarish eyes, and the single spoken sentence, a whisper with infinite malice, that it hears,

"That's my b***h you're eating."

"What the h**l is wrong with you?!" it asks Sora, "Your soul tastes like the ashes of injured, orphan puppies mixed with the tears of orphan children, sauteed ducklings, and live kittens cooked over a brimstone fire at 666 degrees for all eternity."

Sora moved, whether toward the creature, or the Keyblood, it was impossible to tell, but that was all it took to set the creature panicking.

"No! Get away from me, you monster! Klaatu Barada Nikto!" it shouts, scrambling to the very edge of the islet, "Azarath Metrion Zinthos! Senatus populusque Romanus! E Pluribus Unum! For the love of God, someone f*****g help!"

Those words must have been some sort of magic incantation. It started waving its arms at Sora, and teleported him as far away as possible, which for the sake of convenience was Traverse Town. Then the creature took itself as far away as possible from the Destiny Islands, in hopes of never crossing paths with that _thing_ again.

* * *

 **I've decided that everything I ever write is going to feature a flock of omni-present hyper-aggressive murder pigeons whose sole purpose is to find people who don't deserve to suffer and make them do just that.**


	5. Accessory Shop of Horrors

**Chapter 5 - Accessory Shop of Horrors**

 **To all the one person who cares: Sorry about the extensive delay. My classes have been merciless.**

 **I hereby dedicate the remaining chapters to that curious Canadian who dropped by once-a-day for the past four months. I believe we may have already spoken, but if not: Wow, you really like to see Sora suffering.**

 **Once again, this contains violence, especially toward Sora, and censored language. With that in mind, I'm wondering whether a "T" rating is justified. Should this be changed to "M"?**

* * *

 **A Not-Suspicious-At-All Back Alley.**

Sora, still unconscious, lay in a seedy back alley, against a crate full of... uh...flour, yeah, that's it! His dreams danced in his mind, showing him vivid images of sponsored content, like so:

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* * *

It was about this time that Pluto came bounding up to awaken Sora by licking his face.

...

...

Oh, that's right, I forgot to write him jumping into the ship, didn't I?

Okay, change of plans, Goofy came bounding up to awaken Sora by licking his face. It should be the same thing, right? Goofy is a dog, too.

"Eugh! What are you doing?"

Apparently not. Why is that exactly? He's still a dog. Just because he's wearing pants, it's suddenly not okay for him to lick an unconscious child's face?

Well, when it's put like that, it does sound somewhat unsettling, doesn't it?

"Come on, Goofy," Donald says, dragging Goofy away.

"But Donald," Goofy said, gesturing to the crate, "I'm pretty sure that's-"

"Are you a police dog? No, you're not. Now let's go." I wonder what that's about.

With the two now gone, Sora rises, mildly disconcerted at being accosted by whatever Goofy is, and begins walking.

He walks out of the alley, and proceeds down the steps in front of him. In the area at the bottom of the steps, he finds three people and some sort of animated puffball. Some of them are milling about, some of them just standing still. They all have dead, unblinking eyes, though, and any time he tries to speak to them, they only repeat the same lines, over and over.

One of them is standing in front of a large door with a large keyhole next to it, which Sora notes as odd.

Seeing that he would get nothing more from the people, Sora walks back up the steps, passing the Accessory Shop, because everyone knows that if you're supposed to go somewhere in an RPG, then you always ignore it until everything else is done.

He passes the Accessory Shop, and proceeds through the large, unlocked door behind it. Everything goes black momentarily because the PlayStation 2, while fairly powerful for its time, was not the most capable system in existence. In the ensuing blackness, Sora stumbles about, unable to see, and hits his shin on numerous things, until the map finally loads.

Once he can see again, Sora finds himself unable to move, as someone comes running toward him, being chased by a brightly colored humanoid creature that makes clacking noises as it walks.

"Hey, weren't you standing in front of that door by the entrance? How did you get here ahead of me?" Sora asks, but the man trips and falls on the ground, and everyone knows that stops you from being able to hear things. The man was utterly petrified as the whimsical, colorful creature walked up to him and...ripped his heart out? Jesus Christ, this is a kids game?!

After performing its Fatality, the creature disappeared, and more of the small, black creatures with beady, yellow eyes rose up from the ground around Sora. As they surrounded Sora and began closing the distance, the giant key that would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life materialized above his head, poised to fall on it, as is the norm for Sora, only for him to jump out of the way as it began falling. It instead collided with one of the creatures, and dissolved the creature into black smoke.

Seeing this, Sora decided it would make as good a weapon as anything else, and picked it up, then began running about with his eyes shut, flailing it at the creatures. Surprisingly, it worked, and the creatures were all gone when he opened his eyes again. There were small balls of yellow and green something laying about on the ground where the creatures had been, and unsurprisingly, Sora didn't want to touch them, so he continued on, ducking into a nearby hotel.

The hotel gave Sora an eerie feeling; he didn't want to stick around too long. At the entrance, he saw the guest roster, listing three rooms.

 _Room 1_

 _Under maintenance. See Norman Bates about inquiries._

 _Room 2_

 _Booked by the Torrance family._

 _Room 1408_

 _Vacant._

Sora isn't sure why the numbering scheme jumped like that, but supposes that the owners must have a reason. Exiting the hotel at a hearty sprint, he re-enters the street and proceeds to get as far away from the hotel as possible. His efforts take him down an alley and to a large, white door. When he approaches the door, the words "Dalmation's House" appear at his feet, but since that is strictly to explain to the reader where he is, Sora can't see that, so he doesn't know about it. He opens the door and walks into the house.

Immediately after he walks in, a black box appears above his head, telling him that 99 Dalmatian puppies had been stuffed into crates and shot into space, without any way of knowing where they'll end up.

What's that, you say? Why can he see the black boxes with the text, but not the text underneath his feet every time he goes to a new place?

Because shut up, that's why.

Now knowing that this game murdered almost 100 innocent puppies by shoving them into tiny, locked boxes and rocketing them through the cold, unfeeling void of space into a myriad of nightmarish wastelands, including an actual dry, barren desert with a giant tiger head made of sand, and a space whale's insides, replete with digestive juices, Sora proceeds back to the area he arrived in. But hey, at least the puppies are _trapped in airtight boxes_ , ensuring that they'll suffocate long before they ever see any of the hazards they were stuck in _._

Once back in the first area of the town, Sora notices the counter to his right, unattended, and seemingly empty. He peers further in and sees a large safe with a giant keyhole on it.

" _That must be a trend around here,_ " Sora thinks. He jumps over the counter, having already trespassed at least twice today, and takes a closer look at the safe.

As he's staring at the giant keyhole, wondering what kind of force must be necessary to lift the tumblers in it, he feels the weight in his hand, and remembers that he's carrying a giant key. Thinking it too convenient to be a coincidence, Sora hefts the key up, and shoves it into the lock, turning it, and sure enough, the safe unlocks. Sora plunders the safe with no regard for who owned the contents, or if the previous owner needed them.

" _I bet this thing can open all sorts of locks,_ " Sora thinks. And thus began the universe-wide theft spree that is Kingdom Hearts.

Eager to try out his new toy, Sora unlocks the entrance to the Third District, unaware or uncaring of the possibility that it might have been locked for a reason. Immediately after he walks away, the doors burst open and the small humanoid creatures pour through it, attacking everyone near the door. Our hero, everyone.

Needing some guidance to find something worth breaking into, perhaps an ATM, Sora decides that it's time to check out the Accessory Shop. He walks in, and immediately realizes that his luck is holding strong. The owner of this shop is likely just as mad as everyone else he seems to run into, given that said owner was aggressively jabbing a broom at something in the doorway to what was probably a basement. Still, Sora would give him the benefit of the doubt, mostly because he was desperate to, for once in his life, meet someone who wasn't a lunatic.

"My name's not Seymour!" the man shouted into the basement, giving one last strong jab with the broom, before shutting the door and leaning against it. Seeing that the man was no longer busy, Sora called out to him,

"Hello," Sora said, "Do you by any chance know where I could find an Automated Teller Machine?" he asked, using the full-name of the machine, rather than the acronym because that's the crux of the joke, and I'm not even going to try to deny that fact.

The man, upon hearing Sora, comes rushing up to him, brandishing the broom,

"I don't know what you think you heard kid, but you'd best leave this alone before... Wait, did you say 'Tellah' or 'Teller'?

"'Teller', why?"

"Nothin'. The name's Cid. You buyin' somethin'?"

"What's a 'Tellah'?" Sora asks.

"The old man who ran 'The Spoony Bar'. He used to get drunk and rant about everything, then threaten to cast Meteor and destroy the town."

"'Ran'? 'Used to'? What happened to him?"

"Don't ask questions you don't need the answers to, kid. Now, are you buying something?" Cid asks, brandishing the broom once again.

"Uh...let me see if I have any munny," Sora says. He was pretty sure he didn't have any, and he wanted to just leave, but everyone he had encountered in his life up to this point was, without fail, somewhere between slightly loopy, and bats**t insane, and it seemed that this one was no exception. If Sora outright told him that he didn't have any money, he might get stuffed and mounted on the fireplace behind him.

Imagine his surprise when Sora checks his pockets to find that there _is_ munny. A bag full of it, in fact.

" _Where did this come_ from?" he wonders.

" _Don't even think about it, b***h_. _That's mine."_

" _Who said that?_ "

" _I didn't sell two years of ad space in your dreams for you to waste all that money on a worthless chain that boosts your defense by 1 point!_ "

" _You did what? Who are you?_ "

"Hey!" Cid says, "Are you buying something?"

Cid's call snaps Sora out of his conversation with whoever that was, and he looks around distractedly, noticing a treasure chest atop the aforementioned fireplace. Sora walks away from Cid, abruptly ending the conversation, and jumps atop the fireplace to open the chest, as through the concept of private property was just a myth. Whilst digging through the now open chest, he hears scrabbling above him, and calls out,

"Is someone up there?" Sora asks.

"Help us!" says someone or something up there, "Some madman locked us up in the top floor of this shop and he's forcing us to make accessories for him to sell!"

Whatever it was going to say next was interrupted by Cid beating on the ceiling with his broom, "Less talking, more accessory making! I don't pay to feed you so you can gab on all day!"

"You haven't given us food in weeks," the person or thing in the upper floor room said, "Kevin is eating-"

"What did you say?"

"I said you haven't fed us in-"

"That's not Moogle speech patterns I hear! Do I have to come up there with the Mythril Picana again?"

"No! Please, don't! Anything but that!"

"What was that?"

"Err...Anything but that, kupo. Yeah, that's it!"

"And what the h**l kind of Moogle name is 'Kevin'?"

Sora backs out of the Accessory Shop slowly, watching carefully, to see if he will need to make a mad dash.

Cid seems to be distracted talking to whatever Moogles are, and Sora is about to shut the door, when suddenly, someone speaks from behind him.

"Get on the ground!" the voice says.

Sora jumps, thinking for certain that he had been caught, and turns around to see a man wearing a black jacket, or at least the top half of black jacket, and almost as many belts and zippers as Sora himself. A few more and this guy might have been the protagonist instead of Sora.

"Get on the ground and hand over the Keyblade!" the man shouts, pointing at the giant key in Sora's hand.

"Alright, alright, I'm getting on the ground." Sora says, moving to comply.

"Slowly! And don't try anything! I don't want to have to hurt you." the man says, and Sora slows down. Unfortunately, he also loses his balance and falls, the now named Keyblade landing near the man's feet.

"Oh, you want to fight, huh?" the man shouts, hefting a sword that appeared out of nowhere over his shoulder and onto his back. It also slides beneath his jacket, but he either doesn't notice, or doesn't care, "Alright. Have it your way," he says, brandishing the sword forward and ripping his top-half-of-a-jacket.

"No, wait, please. I wasn't attacking you, I jus-"

* * *

Yuffie, having heard screams of pain all the way from the Third District, walks casually into the First District to check on Leon, and sees him near the entrance to Town, standing over something with his sword drawn. The back of his jacket is ripped again so Yuffie guesses that he was fighting something. Upon peering closer, she sees a giant key on the ground, and rushes to meet up with Leon.

"Hey, you found it. Nice going Leo-." Yuffie stops, upon noticing our hero, " Jesus f**k, Leon! You were supposed to incapacitate him, not run him through a meat grinder!"

"He fought back."

"Help...someone help me," Sora whimpers from on the ground. Yuffie closes the distance to take a close look at him.

"Please, get him away from me. Or take this thing, I don't care which," Sora says, raising his arm slightly to denote the Keyblade.

"Watch out, he's attacking again!"

"Oh, God! Somebody help!"

* * *

 **A few seconds later**

"Was that really necessary?"

"He was getting ready to attack again, you saw it."

"You cut off his hand!"

"I had to take extensive measures; the Keyblade is a dangerous weapon, after all," Leon says, totally without snickering.

"You cut off his _left_ hand."

"...Disney owns Star Wars now; we can fix that."

"God***n it, Squall, that's not an excuse, stop trying to use it as an excuse!"

"Only real men beat up a helpless child!"

* * *

 **Chapter End**


	6. With Friends Like These

**With Friends Like These...**

 **I was going to title this chapter: "** **BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!", but apparently you're only allowed to put 40 characters into a chapter title.**

* * *

When we last left Sora, he had been knocked unconscious after a valiant battle with a man who had almost as many belts and zippers as Sora himself. He's still unconscious but that's probably for the best since Traverse Town's resident medical expert was currently working on fixing him. After a brief and violent conflict between the people who wanted to call her "Aeris", and the people who wanted to call her "Aerith", an accord was eventually reached wherein the two names would be combined. Unfortunately, another conflict soon broke out between the people who wanted to call her "Aeristh" and those who preferred "Aeriths". In the deep, dark alleyways of the Third District, there's a small collective of tin-foil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorists who insist the she herself started both conflicts, because she wasn't making much money as the resident physician but no one believes them. After all, they also insist that she steals people's organs when she works on them and that Cid has a man-eating plant in his basement.

Enough of that, though; the advertisement is starting.

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"Come on lazy bum, wake up," said a familiar voice, as Sora slowly awoke from his ad dream. He looked slowly around, and what he saw made his blood run cold.

"No! You're gone! I saw you disappear!" he shouted, frantically waving his arms and lunging to the other side of the bed, curling himself up in the far corner. Upon seeing his reaction, the phantasm looked at him strangely.

"You okay?" it asked, confusing Sora greatly. He paused and stared, waiting, until he realized that nothing was happening.

"Oh. You're not Kairi." he said, finally "She would have threatened me by now."

"Kairi? Is that who this is?" the apparition asked, "I'm the great ninja Roofie."

Hmm. That might be a little too heavy for a T-Rated story.

With a flash, the magic that Yuffie uses to impersonate people so she can rob others without being suspected fades, and Kairi is replaced with another girl, this one taller than Kairi, and with black hair. She was leaning down toward him to conceal that fact that she held all of his money and everything in his inventory behind her back.

"Yuffie, stop stealing people's identities." shouts a voice from another room, "Remember last time, when you impersonated that Prime Minister?"

"That wasn't my fault! What kind of idiot makes nuclear launch codes something that a teenage girl can guess?!"

As the other voice is about to respond, someone comes rushing in. It's the man in the half-jacket, and Sora pushes himself so far into the corner that he nearly clips through the wall.

"Yuffie! Stop breaking into my secret training place." he shouts, "It's a _secret_!"

"What makes you think I did that?" she asks.

"Someone painted 'Leonfart' all over the walls." he responds, "I know it was you!"

"I'm not admitting to anything. Everyone knows about that place, it's not much of a secret."

"You can't go in there! You don't have the Red Trinity power!"

"Squall, those bars are so far apart that the only person who can't fit in there is Aeristh with that sword she's always carrying around."

"What about the magic barrier cards, then?"

"The signs that say 'No Girls Allowed'? Those don't do anything."

"No, they're magic. Merlin said so when he sold them to me!"

"Merlin broke into some kid's bedroom and stole those."

"That's _my_ training place! _My_ place! You can't go in there!"

"Why not? All you do in there is stand in one place swinging your sword in the same motion over and over and making lightsaber noises."

"I'm telling Cid! And he's going to feed you to that man-eating plant in his basement."

"You don't actually believe that nonsense, do you?"

Sora watches on, slightly terrified, and looking for a chance to escape. His light trembling eventually alerts him to a slight pain on the right side of his middle back. He falls forward, hand over the affected area, and groans. This catches the attention of Yuffie, who was, by now, running in circles around a table, yelling "Leonfart", with Leon chasing her.

"Squall?" Yuffie says, "...Were you there the whole time Aeristh was putting him back together?"

Squeon looks at Sora, then back to Yuffie.

"...S**t" he says, and runs into the next room.

* * *

 **Another Hotel Room Immediately Adjacent**

Donald and Goofy are standing still in the room, half-listening and trying desperately not to stare at the excessively long object protruding from the speaker's abdomen.

"Okay, you know that there are many other worlds out there aside from your castle and this town, right?"

"Yeah," Donald says.

"You've got a little something-" Goofy starts, but Donald interrupts him. For all they know, everyone in this town looks like that and commenting on it might be considered rude.

"They're supposed to be a secret," Goofy says instead.

"They've been secret, because they've never been connected," the woman says, "until now."

"When the Heartless came, everything cha-" the woman was interrupted by the appearance of a man wearing a too-small jacket. He pushed the door open and stormed in yelling angrily about how she was just supposed to fix someone's hand, and saying something about kidneys then grabs her arm and starts dragging her to the room he came from. Unfortunately, he was pulling her sideways so the six foot long sword sticking out of her abdomen catches on the wall, on either side.

The man continues to pull, but to no avail.

"Take that stupid thing off already, Aeriths" he says to her, "You can't walk through a room without knocking everything down and you slash people's throats every time you turn!"

* * *

 **Back with Sora**

Sora was laying on the bed, trying to listen in on the conversation in hopes of finding out what happened. He only heard parts of it, something about a kidney, before the girl gasped and stood up, pointing at a spot on the floor.

"Leon!" she shouted, apparently forgetting that she was calling him by his original name before.

Sora watched as Yuffie stood there pointing at nothing. The PlayStation made some whirring noises because the disc is old and not in very good shape, then everything resumed. Another one of the multi-colored humanoid creatures appeared and immediately locked onto Sora's position. It advanced toward him, and Yuffie did nothing to help, because her next animations aren't slated to play until Leon arrives in the room, and he's still having some trouble getting Aeristh out the door, so I guess the Heartless just gets to beat on Sora for a while.

Eventually, Leon gives up on trying to drag Aeriths out and runs into the room by himself. Yuffie is still pointing at a now empty spot, and Leon walks over there and leans in close, examining it for about 15 seconds before he finally hears Sora's pained cries, and looks in his direction.

"Yuffie, go!" Leon shouts, and she finally moves. Unfortunately for Sora, who was too tired and beaten to do anything but lay there and yelp, she runs out the door instead of helping him.

Leon tucks his blade behind his still ripped jacket and brandishes it forward, ripping it in a different direction this time.

"Sora, let's go!" he says, rushing forward and kicking.

 **Cut To Outside the Hotel**

Glass can be heard breaking, and a humanoid shape is launched out of the window. Shortly after, Leon jumps out the same window and falls to the ground, sword at the ready.

"How did you get here so fast?" he asks Sora, upon seeing him splayed out in the water.

"You kicked me out the window!"

"Oh. Well, at least you landed in the water."

"I landed on the pavement, then _rolled_ into the water!"

"Well, you-"

"Facedown."

"Uh... something something small fry, let's go," Leon says.

"No! Leave me alone! Get away from me!" Sora shouts as Leon approaches him, picks him up, and throws him over his shoulder.

"I hate you." Sora says, as Leon ferries him helplessly to the location of the local boss, the wind from Leon's rapid run whipping the tattered fragments of the half-jacket up and making them lightly slap Sora's face the entire time.

Back in the hotel, the Heartless that Leon tried to kick out the window disappears. Oh, hey. As it turns out, there was a save point in the hotel. That would have been useful, wouldn't it?

* * *

 **Third District**

Opening the door to the Third District, Leon carries the thoroughly battered Sora in.

"Where are we?" asks Sora, who can only see behind Leon because of the way he's being carried.

"This is where their leader will be," Leon says.

"Wait. You took me to the boss? Why?!" Sora asks, frantically.

"You're the Keyblade master. You have to fight it," Leon responds, looking at the small square of space that's just the right size for a boss battle.

"That looks like a long walk down," he says to himself, "Maybe I can just.."

"Wait, what are you doing?!" Sora asks, as Leon throws him over the railing designed to keep people from falling the uncomfortably long distance to the ground.

"I hate you!" Sora says again as he plummets to the bottom of the square.

 **On A Ledge Not Far Away**

Donald and Goofy are on a ledge playing cards or something, when suddenly, a Heartless appears. They both jump up.

"Gawrsh. Are these the Heartless guys?" Goofy asks.

"Let's go get 'em, Goofy," Donald says, unknowingly mimicking Leon's flourish with his staff, though without the effect of tearing his...whatever he's wearing.

 **Back With Sora**

On a ledge, somewhere above and behind where Sora lay in a crumpled, groaning heap, an explosion occurs. This catches Sora's attention, causing him to attempt to rise, to see what it is. The universe isn't quite done with him yet, however, as the moment he gets up to his hands and knees, a large duck lands atop him, knocking him back down. Following that, a creature that may be a dog does the same.

They sit there in a pile for a few seconds, until the duck and dog creatures see the Keyblade that was totally there the whole time and that I definitely didn't forget about up until now.

"The Key!" they both say at the same time, because with its distinctive, key-like shape, it's certainly possible to mistake it for something else.

They all rise shortly, Sora being in remarkably good health for everything that's happened in the past 12 hours. Suddenly, stone pillars rise from the ground, blocking off all exit points in what is either a show of a power that the Heartless will absolutely never use again, or a holdover from the days when Traverse Town was a Moogle slave blood-sport arena.

All around them, the multi-colored humanoids begin appearing, forcing the party to stand and fight. Sora limps around, blindly flailing the Keyblade that he found out was named as such at some point that we won't be revisiting. It took several more hits to destroy these than it did the small, black ones, but it eventually worked. Just like the last ones he fought, these exploded into several different colored orbs. Although still reluctant to touch any of them, the choice was removed from him when Goofy barreled into him using the shield he was carrying and knocked Sora into one of the green ones. Much to his surprise, since he was convinced that _everything_ wanted him dead, touching the green ones healed some of his injuries.

Walking a bit straighter now, Sora continued flailing at the creatures and collecting the green orbs until he felt restored, just in time for the last of the creatures to be destroyed.

"Yeah! We won," Sora exclaimed, until the ground started shaking and an assortment of large, purple shapes fell from the sky, assembling themselves into something vaguely shaped like a suit of armor.

Sora charged at it, full of bravado, then the hands began spinning rapidly around the torso, and Sora was reminded that the universe hates him as the pointed fingers of the hands raked across his skin.

This enemy was tougher, so Donald decided to use some of his magic to make the fight a bit easier.

"Petrol-ga", he yelled. Wait. That's not a real spell is it?

...

I stand corrected, a stream of liquid shot from Donald's staff, soaking the area around the giant Heartless, along with Sora, who had the misfortune of standing in the line of fire.

"Oh, God! That burns!" Sora exclaims as it hits the small cuts all over his body.

Now that he was soaked with a highly flammable substance, the pace of the fight changed significantly for Sora, from avoiding the occasional attack from the giant, purple suit-of-armor-like-creature, to running like mad to avoid the fireballs and streams of flame from Donald, sparks from Goofy's shield ramming into _everything_ , Leon, who had, at some point, climbed atop one of the pillars, donned a hat that appeared to be made of something reflective, and begun casting Firaga indiscriminately in all directions while yelling at the air, and, of course, the phantom Kairi, who had somehow acquired a piece of flint and a chunk of steel and was constantly striking it in Sora's direction, while slowly and deliberately walking toward him with a wide smile.

"You're not real!" he yelled, pointing at the apparition, but kept running from her nonetheless.

The battle continues in this vein for some time, until one of the lightning bolts from Chapter 3 strikes the Guard Armour, paralyzing it and freeing the party to beat on it at their leisure. Donald ceases his spells to conserve MP, and Leon was so busy shooting fireballs at the sky that he forgot to watch his footing and fell off the pillar, though phantom-Kairi is still following Sora with the flint-and-steel.

"Don't you have anything better to do?!" Sora asks, dodging her alarmingly accurate thrown sparks.

With most of the hazards gone, Sora joined Donald and Goofy in pummeling the pieces of the giant Heartless, moving periodically to stay ahead of the Kairi apparition, who looked to be enjoying herself far too much to not be the actual Kairi. The fight ended unceremoniously, except for the bright light that surrounded Sora as the final hit connected-

"Oh, God! I'm on fire! Someone put me out! Help!"

Sora ran around in circles and rolled on the ground for several minutes before he realized that the bright light surrounding him wasn't fire; it was just a level up. Because he was so busy panicking, he failed to notice the Heartless disappear, or the accessory it dropped. Donald and Goofy watched on, slightly confused, as a strange man sporting a long, white beard, and wearing what appeared to be a blue nightgown, complete with a matching cap and slippers, came scurrying by, grabbed said accessory, and took off for one corner of the square they were standing in, the pillars having disappeared at some point.

 **A Few Minutes Later**

Donald and Goofy were standing in the middle of the square, with Leon and Yuffie off to the side, and Sora walking around the square. Everyone else assumed he was restless, but he was actually trying to avoid the phantom Kairi who was _still_ following him with the flint-and-steel.

"So, you were looking for me?" Sora asked, trying to avoid the sparks no one else seemed to be able to see.

Donald and Goofy both nodded, and Leon spoke from behind Sora,

"They too, have been seeking the wielder of the Keyblade." Leon said.

Donald and Goofy offered to take Sora with him on their Gummi Ship, on condition that he smile, so he did. Sora bent over to conceal his face, and when he raised himself back up he had stretched his mouth as wide as possible and opened his eyes the same. Unfortunately for Sora, he had stopped moving to muster up the smile in order to comply with their demands, so in the same instant that gave it his clothes also burst into flames. The timing of it was so perfect that it actually looked like the smile was what set him on fire.

After Sora finished extinguishing himself, the party returned to the First District, and he formally agreed to join forces with Donald and Goofy. Each offered him something as thanks; Goofy taught him how to roll, but this roll is somehow different than all the other times in his life that he had rolled, and Donald taught him how to use the Fire spell, in hopes that he would somehow set himself on fire. The party would soon set out to save the universe, but not before one more small adventure in Traverse Town.

* * *

 **Chapter End**

 **Credit where credit is due, guest user RaggleFraggle had the idea to make Sora panic at the light that surrounded him when he leveled up. I was originally just going to make the light set him on fire, but I think it turned out better this way.**


	7. Fast Forward

**Fast Forward**

 **Welcome to the final chapter. That's right, this is the end. It might seem sudden to some of you, but this is what I intended to do.** **I mentioned at the end of Chapter 3 that I was going to end this shortly after Traverse Town; I hadn't intended to cover any worlds aside from Destiny Islands and Traverse Town at all, but a lot of these jokes fit better in the worlds they ended up in, than they would have if I had forced them into the two that were covered. Sorry if that disappoints you, but it was always my intention to quit while I'm ahead, before this devolves to subsisting entirely on fart jokes.**

 **I also hadn't intended for this to be a full-length chapter, so much as a resting place for all the jokes I couldn't use in the rest of it, but the bit with Merlin at the beginning evolved into something too complex to just contain in snippets, so instead you get this.** **After said bit with Merlin, we're cutting to a 'fast forward' segment, where every world will be summed up with just a few sentences, or a few paragraphs, in the case of those that require more than just a one-sentence set up for a punchline.**

 **On the off-chance you're concerned, Sora hasn't actually snapped, it's just a convenient set of circumstances designed to appear that way to the onlookers.**

* * *

 **Traverse Town - First District**

Sora has finally acquired his first spell, and is eager to try it out.

"Fire!" he shouts, casting the spell that Donald had recently taught him.

"Fire!" he says again.

"Fire!" a third time.

"Sora," Donald said, "you don't need to say it every time you cast it. That's going to get annoying."

"I know," Sora responded, excitedly, "I finally have magic, though. Take that, stupid voices!"

"Voices?" Donald asked.

"Oh, yeah. There were these voices in my head, and these floating black boxes, and they told me I didn't have any magic, that it was a mystery to me," Sora said, sounding mildly hysterical, "Well now, who's casting, ha-ha! Stupid voices! Fire! Fire! Burn!"

"Donald," Goofy said, somewhat hesitantly, "are you _sure_ it was a good idea to teach him that? ...Donald?"

"Burn, motherf***er!" Donald shouted, having already forgotten the conversation, and joining Sora in blasting fire everywhere.

Sora and Donald ran riot through Traverse Town, flinging fire at everything. Fortunately, most of the town had been fireproofed some time ago as a preventive measure against Tellah's drunken spell-casting.

Their fiery rampage eventually took them to the Third District, where they accidentally cast Fire on a strange red door with a giant flame on it. At this point, Sora's excitement had calmed considerably, but Donald's pyromania was still going strong, so when the fire caused the door to unlock, Donald proceeded through it, looking for more things to burn. Much to his disappointment, the only thing behind the door was a dilapidated stone house, and a lot of water, so nothing that would burn. Donald lost interest and wanted to go off somewhere else, but Sora wanted to check out the house, and he's the protagonist.

The party eventually managed to get over there, and found the front door to be inaccessible. They walked around to the side, and entered through a hole in the house, since private property and trespassing are apparently entirely alien concepts to Sora.

* * *

 **An Empty Room**

Sora walked around the empty, circular room, looking for any sign of its purpose, until suddenly, a heavily eerie atmosphere fell over the place. He knew what this meant; he had felt it his entire life. Somehow, even though he was in another world, his nightmare had followed him here. He had thought himself safe after the events on his island, and wanted to believe that she wasn't real in the earlier battle against the giant Heartless, but it was irrefutable now. He turned around slowly. He knew exactly what to expect, but there would probably never be a time that it didn't scare him.

"Boo," she said. Sora yelped and lunged for the farthest wall, desperately scrabbling away from Kairi. He looked around for Donald and Goofy, in the hopes that they could somehow help him, but they were nowhere to be found.

"How did you follow me here?" he demanded looking straight at her, "Why won't you leave me alone? And what did you do with Donald and Goofy?"

Donald and Goofy watched on as Sora ranted at nothing. He pointed accusingly at the air, and demanded to know what it had done with them, though they were right there looking at him.

"Are you _sure_ we need him?" Goofy asked.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?" demanded a voice from behind Donald and Goofy.

The two turned around to find a familiar old man; the same one who had swiped the accessory that the giant Heartless had dropped when it disappeared.

"Are you cops? You better not be cops; you don't have a warrant. I keep telling you people, I didn't steal anything. I found all of that stuff and you can't prove- ...Oh, it's just you three." he said, upon seeing them,"I've been expecting you."

"How did you know we'd be here?" Goofy asked, as Donald contemplated the best way to set the man's beard on fire without getting caught.

"I found a magic crystal ball in some mansion," the man responded, "it had an annoying talking head in it, but I fixed that. Anyway, your king hired me to help you train your magic and...what's wrong with him?" asked the man, gesturing to Sora, who was huddled into a ball at the far edge of the room.

"He's-" Goofy started, but was interrupted by Donald casting a spell on Sora.

"Benzo-" Donald said, gesturing with his staff,"-diazepine!"

A dart shot from his staff, and hit Sora in the neck. Shortly after, Sora drifted off to sleep.

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* * *

 **Some time later**

Sora awoke on the floor of the once-barren circular room. It was now furnished and decorated; a bed, cupboards, a carpet and table, the works.

"Wait...wasn't this place empty when I walked in?" Sora asked no one in particular. He spied Donald and Goofy, along with some old man, sitting at the table in the center of the room, playing cards or something, and attempted to rise to speak with them. Whoever or whatever had decorated this room, though, had done so with no regard for what was there prior, as Sora now found himself embedded in a pile of books that seemed to hold him quite well. With considerable trouble, he eventually managed to free himself, but lost his balance and tumbled over, shifting a small carriage thing that appeared to be made of plant matter.

Upon being disturbed, blue sparkles gathered around the carriage, and it changed shape into a humanoid figure.

"Where am I? Who are you? Where's Cinderella?" asked the figure. This caught the old man's attention, and he came over to investigate.

"Who is this, now?" he asked.

"I don't know! I just saw a small carriage thing, and when I nudged it, it turned into her!"

The woman peered intently at the old man for a moment, before her face showed recognition.

"I know you," she said, "you were sneaking around Cinderella's home, stealing things! You must have swiped the carriage that I transformed into to wait for her!"

"I didn't steal anything!"

"Then where did all of this come from?"

"I...found it. When I was traveling. That's not important," the man hastily responded, and turned to Sora "I am Merlin, and I am here to help you practice your magic."

"How are you going to do that?" Sora asked.

"I found some old furniture in a castle. You can use it as targets."

 **More time later**

"Now let's see..." Merlin said to himself, looking at a map of worlds with keyholes not yet sealed, "USG Ishimura, Raccoon City...ooh, Silent Hill."

Behind him, a piece of the ceiling dislodged, and began levitating slowly downward, revealing first a pair of absurdly large shoes, then the entirety of Sora. His eyes were wide open and his mouth was set into a thin line. After some time, the trapezoidal platform that came from the ceiling set itself down on the floor, and Sora moved off it. He walked stiffly over to Merlin and spoke,

"Where did you say you got that furniture from, again?"

"I found it when I was traveling, why?"

 **Flashback to a few minutes ago**

Sora stood, Keyblade at the ready, prepared to test his skills. The furniture appeared in a brief flash of light, and Sora snapped off a fire spell at the first piece.

"Be...our...guest, be our gue- Ahhhh! Ahhhh! It burns! Someone help!" the furniture screamed, as it frantically levitated about the room.

Sora panicked, and tried to find anything he could to put it out. There was no water around, and there was only one other spell that he remembered hearing.

"Uh...um...Petrol-ga."

Naturally, this only caused the fire to spread to other pieces, and the furniture continued to scream-

"Please for the love of God, someone help me!"

"Why am I burning?! I'm made of brass!"

-as such until they finally disappeared.

"Oh, sweet release of death..."

"Tell my wife I..."

Then, with a flash, they reappeared.

"No! No, please!"

"God, why?!"

I didn't know furniture could sob.

 **The Present**

"...No reason." Sora told Merlin.

"Did you want to go back and practice more?" Merlin asked.

"No!" Sora said, vehemently.

"Okay," Merlin responded, wary, "Well, anyway. Here's the first place you need to go. It's called 'Yharnam'."

"Sounds easy," Sora said.

 **Fast Forward**

* * *

 **Wonderland**

Card people, Donald's two favorite things to set on fire, combined into one.

To be fair, though, anything would be his favorite thing to set on fire, so long as it's combined with a person.

* * *

 **Deep Jungle**

"*&&X%" Tarzan says.

"What's *&&X%?" Sora asks.

"Nothing much. What's up with you?" Tarzan responds.

"...I hope you get shot."

* * *

 **Traverse Town again**

"What did you do to Cloud?" Sora asks Leon.

"Why?" Leon asks.

 **Flashback to Olympus Coliseum**

""Brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown!" Cloud yells, chasing Sora around, impractically large sword at the ready.

"For the love of God, someone help me!" Sora shouts, frantically running.

"You can't interfere with the games," the small faun man says, "It's the rules."

"This is the lobby!" Sora yells.

"Brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown!" *****

 **Back to Traverse Town again**

I was going to make Sora fight the man-eating plant monster in Cid's basement, but by the time Sora and company got down there, Wakka was already smoking it, so I guess we'll just do another Guard Armor fight. But this time it does a handstand and that makes it more powerful...somehow.

Nanomachines, son.

 **After the Battle**

"Here, bring this book to Merlin," Cid says, handing Sora a book labelled "The Complete, Unabridged, and Uncensored Works of Edgar Allan Poe".

* * *

 **Agrabah**

"Genie, I wish... for nipples!" ******

* * *

 **Monstro**

Wait. That says "Nostromo". My mistake.

* * *

 **Innsmou... I mean Atlanti... No, screw it, it's Innsmouth**

Upon arriving at this new world, and realizing that it is entirely submerged in water, Donald decides to use his magic to transform the party, then, after this world is complete, never again do anything of the sort with his magic, and just go back to shooting fireballs for some reason. He transforms Goofy into a turtle, himself into an "Oh, God, kill it with fire", and Sora into a half-dolphin-thing. Unfortunately, just as Donald isn't the court physicist of Disney World, he also isn't the court marine biologist, so he probably doesn't know that dolphins can't breathe underwater. This, of course, completely defeats the purpose of transforming Sora at all, as he still begins drowning upon touching down in this world.

None of that matters though, since as soon as they landed, they were mobbed by fish-esque humanoid creatures, and Donald once again proved that he is not the court physicist by casting Thundaga in an attempt to fend them off.

* * *

 **Hot Topic Town**

"Let's take these monsters that are capable of nothing but death and destruction, that have devoured the hearts of whole populations, and destroyed countless worlds, and let's make them _dance!_ Nothing could possibly go wrong, right?"

* * *

 **Never Never Land**

"Hey there!" says a suspicious looking boy in green felt clothes, "My name is Peter Pan."

"And this is my flying fairy friend, Chloroform Bell," he continues, running in a circle, waving a brown glass bottle above his head, and making swishing noises.

"I break into people's houses in the middle of the night, then kidnap their children with promises of a magic land where they can fly, and they'll never get older. Would you like to come with me?"

"No, thank you. I think I'll just-"

"I cut a man's hand off and fed it to a crocodile!" the boy says with a painfully wide smile.

Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you?!

"You want me to tell you what makes the red man red?" he asked, drawing a dagger from his belt, "I do!"

* * *

 **Florida**

"I don't like this place! Nothing makes sense here!" Sora yells, running, terrified, from a naked man brandishing a large fish, "I wanna go back to Lordran!"

* * *

 **Hollow Bastion**

"Now," says AnsemRikuTerraNort, "I'll stab you with this Keyblade made of plot convenience and release the heart of the final princess of light, whose heart can consist of nothing but light. No darkness whatsoever."

He sticks the blade right into Sora's chest. Sora, whose nerves had long been deadened to any sort of pain, from the constant torture that he had endured to get to this point, didn't even really feel it, but it looked like this guy had put a lot of time and effort into this plan, and Sora didn't want him to feel as though he had wasted all of that, so he gave an unenthusiastic "Ouch", as the blade connected.

"Now the final princess of heart is free, and the light in her heart can- wait, what's that?" he asks, as wispy shadows emerge from the point of contact on Sora and coalesce into a portal, from which more shadows fall, and form into a giant, shadowy hand that wraps around TerraRikuAnsemNort's legs, pulling them out from under him.

"Aghhhhhh! Help! Someone help me!" he screams, clawing at the ground in vain as the giant, shadowy hand slowly pulls him into the portal while ominous laughter that only he and Sora can hear, occurs all around them. Then, AnsemTerraRikuNort disappears into the portal with a subdued pop, and Kairi, appeased for the moment with her new toy, elects to grant Sora a reprieve for a short while.

Also, Mansex is there with his dual not-lightsabers, because Disney didn't own Star Wars at the time that battle had been made.

* * *

 **Back to the Coliseum for the obligatory Sephiroth battle**

 _Rammstein_

 _Ein Mensch brennt_

Wait, wrong background music.

* * *

 **End of the World**

"I am Chernobog, lord of Bald Mountain," says an extremely large, imposing, humanoid creature with horns on its head, and large bat wings on its back.

"What is a weak and pathetic mortal like you doing in-" it pauses and looks closely at Sora. "-Oh, God, not you again!" It screeches, and retreats frantically into the sky, allowing Sora to continue unhindered.

* * *

 **Some time later, after the final battle with Ansem Jack**

 **"** Burn..." said the giant Heartless Ansem, sporting wide, bloodshot eyes, clawing at his own face, and trembling uncontrollably, "Everything must burn!"

"What did you _do_ to him?" Sora asked Kairi.

"Have you ever seen 'A Clockwork Orange'?" she asked in turn.

"No." Sora responded.

"That's okay, everyone who matters probably understood." she says, and Sora briefly wonders who "everyone who matters" is, "it was like that, except I googled 'Kingdom Hearts' and 'Yaoi'-"

"Hey!" said Sora, just now getting the slight.

"-and turned Safe Search off."

"Burn to ashes... All of existence!" Ansem says, deliriously. He reaches out to the giant door not far from where the fight went on, "Kingdom Hearts, fill me with the... Oh, God," Ansem says, recoiling, as he flashes back, upon hearing his own words.

The giant doors open, and wispy smoke comes wafting out.

"Does anyone else smell bread?" Sora asks.

The smoke pouring out begins to slow, and light shines through the crack in the door, shining on Ansem and burning him away.

"Or that," Ansem shudders out, as he slowly disappears, "that works, too."

Sora approaches the door, to begin closing it, and what he sees behind the door sends him reeling,

"Oh, my God. It's... it's," he pauses for dramatic effect, "Kingdom Hearts is... _hoagies?_ "

Peeking further inside, Sora sees an uncomfortably large mouse, scurrying about and nibbling on all the bread. Donald and Goofy look in as well, and shout excitedly when they realize that it's their king.

"Your majesty," says one of them, it's not really important who at this point, is it?

"Donald? Goofy?" the Rodent of Unusual Size asks. "Why are you here?"

"The queen sent us to find you."

"You...left Minnie alone there?"

"She ordered us to. Is that a problem?"

* * *

 **Disney World**

The queen looked on from the balcony of her castle, which had been converted, using Gummi technology, to a giant, quadruped siege machine that roamed the world, raining fire from the sky onto the heads of the worthless peasants below, spreading, consuming, purging the world of their ilk. Their screams were music to her ears. She drops the skull she was carrying for dramatic effect and crushes it beneath whatever footwear she has on, laughing maniacally.

"Sing, you worthless mongrels! Sing the praises of the _new_ god of this world!" she shouts over the mechanical grinding of her divine imperial palace, as it moves through the dusty wasteland, pursuing a small band of escapees from the internment camps.

* * *

 **The End of the World. Probably a safer place to be right now.**

"No, no problem at all!" Mickey said with an alarming amount of haste, "I just realized that I have to uh... stay on this side of the door because...um, it needs to be sealed on both sides! Yeah! That's it!"

"Really? Well, okay."

"Hurry up and shut the door so we can seal it," the king said, hurriedly, and the party complied, rushing outside of the door and pushing it shut. Sora pointed the Keyblade at it, and a beam of light shot forward, hitting the door, as the king did the same thing on the other side.

Once the door was shut, stuff happened with Sora and company, but the camera crew got stuck on the side with Mickey, so instead we get to see him drop the replica Keyblade that he stole from Hot Topic Town on one of his drunken escapades, and the light that he used to produce the beam that made Sora and company think it was real. He settled down atop one of the loaves and sighed contentedly.

"There's enough bread here to keep me fed for the rest of my life, and there's no way Minnie will ever find me in here," Mickey noted, sure that he was safe.

But was he really?

* * *

 **END**

 ***I normally try not to point out where references come from, since that could detract from the humor, but I can't be sure that everyone knows this one. It's a video made using footage from Dissidia: Final Fantasy, and it's called 'Final Fantasy Machinima: Real Men'. That's also where the 'Only real men beat up a helpless child' bit came from. It has comparatively dull parts, and the way the characters 'speak' isn't the funniest, but overall, I think it's worth checking out if you find yourself with 7-or-so minutes to spare.**

 ****Aladdin's character model in the animated movie has no nipples.**

 **I was originally going to have the carriage turn into a face down Fairy Godmother, whereupon Sora would squeal, drawing the attention of Merlin, who would reveal that he 'found' it in another world and didn't realize that he was sticking a person into his bag, which is a vacuum. Then he would recruit the party's help in rolling the body out of the house and into the moat surrounding it, before the Fairy Godmother would be 'recast', with Christopher Walken, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone playing the replacement. That seemed a little too dark a note to end on, but I leave it here to explain why the bit with the Fairy Godmother probably felt more disjointed than the rest; because it was changed at the last minute, and the rest of the narrative around it was jigsaw-puzzled into something that is technically cohesive.**


End file.
